the inbetween

I've neglected this page for a while now - coz life gets in the way.

So much happens in the space of a few short months, and for a while i just kinda lost it in the everyday doings and confusions.

So in the back of my head - i tell myself to make a commitment to write SOMETHING, anything at least once a week if not once a day.

Haha so here goes getting it over with for the week.

There have been events that have shaken me and days that have made me question yet again the sense- or lack of it - in this crazy lil thing called life.

There have been moments where i have been reminded of the immense possibilities that lie outside of now.

This will be random, because i constantly think to myself that i should write these minutes down so i don't forget them, or maybe someone will remember them with me some time. NOW- is just one moment and some moments are unquestionably awesome.

Today is a wednesday it's the 20th of July, 2011. It's 9.03. This morning i was woken up by Jacien who used my head as a pillow. I know it is not yet six because Zane is still in bed, squeezing the last few minutes of sleep before his alarm wakes him up to warn him that he can only hit snooze one more time.

Jacie and i have a muffled conversation about using heads as a pillow. He declares that it is fine, or something like that in the two year olds equivalent. And i protest but he will not relenquish his right to lay whereever he so chooses.

Che woke up and came to my bed, asked if he could get in. Jacie rolled over and closed the gap between us, so that Che had to walk right around the bed and get up on the other side. Jacie hugged Che's head and when i got out of bed to make Tivi's school lunch, the boys stayed under the blankets, and giggled and were silly until Jacie came bouncing out to the kitchen declaring 'CHE is Crying! I *makes hand into fake laser* him!' Hehe... Che comes shortly after claiming Jacie punched his nose.

Zane is oblivious as he starts his morning in his half sleepwalking state that always surprises me. He looks confused at my requests for him to change Jaciens nappy- and i give up because in the morning he is incapable of anything more than grunts and goodbye kisses. He takes the garbage bag out with him like a suitcase. He is working at the moment at Amex where he is coming home with more frequent smiles. I left a note in his bag apologising for the night befores refusal to turn off his computer even though i had to get up and turn off the light after reading sometimes i just like to fight, because he is often so indifferent... i left a note in his bag telling him i was glad he was liking his work.

Che wants to watch Cartoons and Jacien is looking for food in the pantry. They have insanely expensive Bannanas and Cheerios for breakfast in front of the TV under a blanket. There's no milk in the cheerios, they eat it like popcorn.

I let Tivi sleep in.

It's raining so i scrap the sandwich, cut her some fruit,  pack her a drink and a bannana and some also insanely expensive organic corn chips- and write her a lunch order for Lasagna. Just because its cold and i remember the luxuries of hot food on rainy days.

Vy and Kynan prepare to leave for work. Tivi wakes up at 7.20- we negotiate breakfast and in the end she has chicken pasta soup, last nights leftover dinner. Kynan has his hair styled and gives me a smile and a kiss before he goes.

Tivi is notoriously slow at breakfast. I threaten her and this morning i dont follow through although the TV is now off for its powers of distraction is mighty.

She sits there chatting away and as I am trying to adjust my parenting methods, i control my urge to yell and shake my fist at her instead. She smiles through a mouthful of pasta, soup dripping down her chin, and shakes both her fists back at me.

Jacie tries to climb on my lap and press the keys on the keyboard- Che shows me his empty bowl and declares that he has won. He comes back later to ask for a muesli bar. I remember i was supposed to make some- along with chicken pastries and meat pies. I wonder where i get the idea that i should homemake everything and i resent slightly a society that constantly makes me feel inadequate. Haha i remember to remind myself to stop blaming others for what is my own.

I am eating my morning breakfast of black coffee and the laptop is on the kitchen table. I sit down on facebook, catching up with peoples mornings, night befores and weeks that i have missed. Christina is in London and we relay small messages back and forth about pregnancies and my constant blabbering and making people uncomfortable. At this point in my life, i have ceased to care so much about controlling my thoughts. I laugh at Mel who is mistaken for a man at the airport. Jacien wants to type on the computer. Che brings over the clear tube of plastic that i turned into a makeshift car ramp and tells me it is broken. I can't find any tape, so i use my hairtie to repair it.

Stella is dropped off and after several offerings for breakfast, she settles with Cheerios topped with fresh diced Mango. Mexican Mangoes. That are at the moment, 2.50 each.

Jacien spills his juice on two different spaces of the kitchen floor. The second time he is smiling and smug, so i send him to timeout and he cries foul. Che plays in the playpen  and stella chats more than she eats.

I think about what we will do with this wet day. I am tempted to take them out for excursions. I remember the chicken i've put in the fridge to make Pad thai, but i have no bean sprouts and cant remember what else is in Pad thai.

Last night i said i need to take time to write down all the awesome things the kids are doing now. I sit down and i cant remember a thing.

Some awesome things i can remember are:

Jacie loves to run up and give me kisses and wrap his arms around my neck and he is a koala that clings on without me holding him. He smiles his squinty eyes smile when you kiss him back. And says MYYYYYY MUMMMYYY. And giggles.

Che asks me for a very specific number of kisses each night, and points to places on his face where he would like them. He asks me if i will ever leave him and when i assure him that i will not ever leave him he says he will never get married and leave me either. I ask him even if its for a really pretty girl. ANd he says no, never.

Tivi bought Che a present with her birthday money and she didnt even ask to play with it afterwards. She was excited about school and wouldnt stop smiling on the morning of her birthday.

Zane yells less  and smiles more often these days. He still laughs at me when i'm being silly instead of getiing annoyed like i probably would if it were the other way round. Haha- i tease him about being in love with someone at work. But what i really mean to say is that i am happy he is finally enjoying himself.

Cathy is doing well with her treatment and i am thankful for amazing Medical advances and always surprised at the extent of kindness and consideration. The childrens hospital is frightening to me for reasons i cant even begin to explain- But it is a wonderful place where devastation is cushioned by everyday miracles and strengh that comes from the smallest and most extraordinary of places and people. Life doesnt just go on there, it is treasured.

Anyway thats a snapshot, or a collection coz i am snap happy at the worst of times. TOday is Wednesday the 20th of July 2011. This is life. And it is good.