While cleaning my room and unearthing remnants of the past lives i've led from boxes corners shelves and crannies, i found- a lot of bits and pieces. I've thrown away much of the things i no longer need to carry but some memories have followed me from the moment they were made. These are the things that make me who i am... and journals, as sappy as they always are... as nonsensical as they sound when reread- as cringeworthy as the written thought may be... are the reminders of times i put away in order to move on. Sometimes an event is so massive, it's emotions so intense... we either steer away in order to hold ourselves together, or become consumed by it and fall apart.
As the distance in years widen, i find myself looking back at the days- that while i experienced them- were a haze of things to do, places to go... ways to distract from the immensity of the real. Now with the curse of hindsight, the peace of years between- The silences call forth memories... i find i become sadder for the things that might have been.
Then, If anything she taught me not to regret.
This is not regret no matter how it sounds, and i'm not just saying that. Life has been at times, a continual uphill push... today we sit. On a quaint bench in the middle of nowhere- maybe only started up the mountain but a rest is called for. And we reflect on the roads that have lead us here... before we dust off, move on and become all the things we never thought we would be.
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I don't know if she's ever read this, i know she's borrowed my room in days where we were away... and i know i am liable to steal words from pretty books, because i am a thief of others thoughts. But Dear Vinnie, this ones out to you. A snippet of a past i may not have shared with you.
The 21st of August 2007
The day after, two years on. And its the same day all over again.
Probably numb. Probably annoyed at the well meaning- noisiness of all the people around me. Out of words and out of politeness. Two years ago, on that day after.
The year before this, there was so much on my mind and in my days, i forgot what it was to remember...
Sometimes i don't want to remember. Whats the point of trying to undo the moments before and after.
And yet these pretty little words, my not so little sister writes, somehow hits so close to something i can't even begin to describe. ..
Two years ago and now i see it - clearly from her eyes. Still, what can i say or do that changes anything?
I hold back, like i did that night, like i did the days and months that followed. I hold the thoughts in case they drown us. I don't know the words to comfort her, don't know the explanations.
I don't believe they'd help. Who needs more cliches?
So quietly i've watched her... 16... 18. She's grown and i wait to see who she'll become.
Never really was a role model. Never knew how to tell her what to do. Just watched. And waited to see if she'd become... all the things, she didn't even know she could be.
ANd i'm sorry if i haven't looked after her, the way you would have wanted me to, but i always told you she was so much smarter, so much more capable than anyone ever wanted to let her be.
She was your baby and you always protected her. Maybe you think i should too... but i can't... because i want her to discover herself and her place in the world- want her to choose the paths she will take. Want her to know she CAN. And will.
Maybe its a cop-out. Maybe i'm selfish. Maybe i should have stayed and held her hand. But i didn't.
And still, i can't. I can only watch her.
Wonder... whether we will ever really be happy. Wonder if we will ever forget that night...
The numbness in me, and the fear in her eyes...
And you... i let go of you that night. But maybe she didn't.
I wonder if she has, or if she just pretends to. I wonder if she ever blamed me.
All i knew was, someone had to do it. Someone had to tell you, we'd all be okay.
Maybe some days... i am wrong.
Maybe.
But i can't remember the way things were anymore, and MAYBE... is just another wasted day.
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I kinda wrote that to you mum, as i do sometimes - coz i dunno why... but she's 22 now. She's beautiful and smart and confident and clumsy, generous, lovely and kind. And even if she doesn't feel it sometimes she is everything, and more, of what you always wanted her to be.
You should be proud we've all come a long way... and i know there have been many days, in the last 6 years that we have wanted your smile. But aside from what has been, what could have been and what may become....
We carry you always, through the hard days and the happy days, all your wishes for us, all your aspirations, past the fear- because you are and you've always been, the center of us all.
XXXXX
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