Words without thought never to heaven go.
To make up for the lack of bloggering real blogs- i quote thee some shakespeare, now run along and feel kinda proud of thyself for reading shakespeare today. Be grateful for the exposure to literary legends, and these lovely words from the Bard himself.
Haha, mine back is numb and mine shoulders ache- stupid big hill at the park combined with a gazillion tonnes of meat, ice and randoms, killing my frikken life- as the cool kids say these days. OMG FML ROFL. See i am culturally referencing allsorts tonight. The cool and the classics. Wow impressive right????
So uhh--- doya like stuff??
i like stuff. Stuff is awesome...
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Umm so okay i dont have much to say. That's not true, i always have lots to say i just don't know how to say it. Because i am brain damaged, my thoughts are scattered and random. I have these kinda days and i never really force myself past them so here's to trying.
Today Van saw the 60 minutes promo for the famine thats been going on for like a million years in somalia, and said 'Change the channel, this is sad! The famine is terrible i don't want to watch it.' I suppose thats honesty for ya. I don't watch TV anymore because in the back of my head, i know there's terrible things happening already. What i lack is the ability to change this.
This whole project was supposed to be a start in all that- act local, think global, right? If i can't change the me, i can't change anything. The worlds problems are big. Very very big. And we are but an gathering of small and silly folk. Maybe one day we will be the change we want to see in the world, for now we will settle for being the change we want to see in ourselves.
That is all i really want to say about famines and anniversaries of mass murder. I don't want to think either of my little cousin who i have not been to visit, and her sickness and how it unnerves me and as much as i worry about her, i can't bring myself to be in the same room so i make excuses and use the sick kids as reasons to stay away.
I am no good with comforts when i have no explaination for the happenings and the why for art this happening. So i bide time- waiting for when i am better equipped to face an 11 year old whose pain and the lack of reason behind it breaks a part of me i can't even pinpoint... we will come to see you soon, when we know what it is we can do for you. I'm sorry it is not sooner, but i watch you from a distance and keep you in my thoughts.
I miss Zane. Which is a bit different coz i never really miss him when he's been gone - like i never really miss miss him, i miss his presence and his relief from my parental duties, but this time... i miss Him.
He doesnt have a working phone number so its probably the longest that we haven't spoken in years... my insides feel funny when i think of him over in nz alone, missing his mum and thinking of the year and a bit we spent with her almost everyday. Knowing that it would be the last times he'd ever see her. I hope he uses the time he has to see the good things that came from that. I hope he doesnt lose himself in the immensity of it all. I'm afraid for him like i am afraid for a lot of things. And you can't be truthfully grateful can you, without acknowledging this fear.
I told him, that he would not feel it in the days that followed because they are busy and noisy and filled with have-to-do's but in the years to come, he'd feel the loss in the spaces where her smile should be, sharing our achievements, and theirs- with us.
Tivi has these days where she misses her Nanna, and the strangeness of death always fills me with gaping areas of silence. I have no words to console. I tell her she watches us from the sky, a small star next to Ba Ngoais. They both watch and they are proud of her and in awe of what a beautiful little girl she is. In the back of my head, i criticise myself for making up stories.
She asks me sometimes if Nanna is really up there, do i promise? And i say yes. She is satisfied because i am her mother and i know these things and if i promised- it must be true.
Despite the fact that i am inherently childish and a little idealistic to the point of sometimes nuttiness... i don't sell stories of tooth fairies and easter bunnies to my kids. I don't believe that the magic of christmas requires the belief in Santa claus.
Christmas is awesome, because it is a time for family, a designated time for people to be refocussed on the cheerful, giving and glad... the values that stand on their own and mascot though he is, Santa is not necessary for Christmas cheer, the fact that kids need to be given an EXTRA present, coz the ones they get from real existing family members who love them is not adequate is, just a little too much for me.
When it comes to death though- i did create a story, and at times i question why i did it. Probably coz she looks at me with those sad eyes. And i know what it feels like to have that emptiness where a person should be.
Just a fading memory that you can't hear or touch or talk to anymore... its hard to explain the void. So for her i filled it with stars. When she is old enough she will fill it herself with whatever explanation suits her better.
Tonight around the world i'm sure there are so many people feeling the same thing. The thought is heavy and makes me anxious for everything i am not doing.
So i draw inwards, and try to see what i need to appreciate - we pull ourselves together and walk on hoping that somewhere along the way lies the answer - to a never ending story.
Haha... my thoughts are broken as these words fly up onto this screen, and i want to sleep because i need to look forward to tomorrow.
Tomorrow it will be a year since Janice died. I hope Zane is okay. I know he needs this time, and i know he needed to be alone to do this, to grieve. To hurt. All the things he never was given the time to do in the whirlwind that was this time last year. But i hope he is being kind to himself and also to the others, who will bear the same loss- in completely different ways.
Nanna, i will write to you tomorrow and tell you of our doings... just in case you havent been paying attention. But for today- you can share this with us:
Jacien and i speak Duck. I say quack and he says quack quack and we continue quacking and smiling until we are distracted by other things. He is my baby duck, and we understand each other so well that it only takes one look for him to start his merry quackings... and we are proud of our fluency in Ducklish and this would amuse you so.
Che said today that he wants to go too- to New Zealand to see Nanna and Poppa and i know the memories are fuzzy for him, but they'll always be there somewhere between the cars and adventures of childhood. He also looked at me with his worried eyes and asked where he was to be going today- to playgroup, childcare or staying home with me- because he gages the weekends on Zanes presence, which this morning was missing thus indicating a weekday.
Tivianh dressed herself in her pink tutu and Aunty Vy's accessories- then sat in front of a mirror playing with (admiring) her own reflection. When teased for doing so, she hid and giggled then looked again and said she was in love with the girl in the mirror. I hope she never loses the knowledge that she is beautiful, because that kinda confidence balanced with a thoughtful cheerful inside- is what will get her the love and happiness she deserves in her lifetime. If she gets that right- she'll be a force of nature.
I am thankful for all these things, and i know i have yelled more today than i have danced... i'm unfocussed- scattered, anxious and aggitated. This feeling however is nice, because it is a symptom of an underlying loveliness - the realisation that i never admit it- and i always kid about it- but our energies are fused together in a beautiful mess of children and memories- and i know it will stop on Tuesday night, when he returns on Emirates flight 413... the missing part of the whole.
Thats all for the night, yes you may go throw up now. It was a bit gooey wasn't it. Haha bite me. Right here bros. You know the spot.
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