defeatist!!!

I have been writing blogs, only in my head and its about time i actually typed some words... i feel like i owe an explanation but then again i don't. It's a fine line between explanations and excuses and why talk about the wouldda couldda shoulddas when you can just talk about the nows.

Now, i'm listening to Jason Mraz, a little bit of Owl City, a bit of Taylor swift (yes because i'm 13 somewhere in here) and a bit of Lifehouse... and its late and these songs fill my head with a lightness that carries me off and i know i will regret it in the morning but this is what i do.

I've been stressing a little that i haven't continued this project as i had promised but then i never promised a blog every night - it just morphed into that lol but... it contradicts the whole purpose to have something about gratitude be so exhausting to maintain. Haha i struggle. i Do, because my reality is filled with the things you see, amazing moments and these creatures who are insanely beautiful and infinitely interesting... but also by the constant call of responsibility - to balance the things i have to do with the things i want to do is draining and being a grown up is draining and in all my late nights, early mornings and the countless minutes in between all the photographs and letters, i'm glued together some days only by a couple of hours sleep and disgraceful amounts of caffeine.

It takes it toll. So sometimes, i back off completely and reassess my situations. Sometimes i catch colds. I get periods that last too long.

On these days I keep my gratitude in a jar on the top of my shelf with a solar panel that no longer works to make it glow. I keep the photo's in a harddrive filled with thousands of images of these times that we've had.

I keep making these reasons. I keep the words to myself.

Over the weekend i was called something - something that doesn't bug me so much, but intrigues me... am i or am i not? I know in its context it was absurd, but what about in general. Was it true?

I've been called many things in my life, i use the term 'many' loosely coz at the top of my head the only things i remember being called are 'crazy' and 'on drugs' - but i was on a tired Saturday night called a 'Defeatist'. I muse over this somewhat in the following days, and it may be kinda true. I do think of many reasons why i cannot do something. But it is untrue in that it never stopped me really from still doing the things i really want to do. SO it comes back to the point of really wanting it.

Zane is snoring extremely loudly and it is really distracting to me right now. I stopped the music because i'm a lyrics person and the ability type and listen to lyrics at the same time eludes me. I begin listening to the words and forget what it is i'm trying to say.

What is it anyway that i'm trying to say?

I told myself i had to force myself to write because if i let it slip it'll slip away completely then what am i left with but a month of semi-awesomeness, and another unfinished thingo.

But i'm sick and its been coming for a while, but i cant afford to be tired and out of service at this time-  i know this, so i need to weigh up staying up late to do this blog- coz by the time i get to this it is after i've done everything else and most days thats the early hours of the morning- and being able to cope with another day of having fun with the kids and still getting everything done at the same time.

I ramble now because my blocked nose and drowsy heads kicking in but despite this though, i am still happy and grateful and taking note of the things that have been awesome. I still take photos and take inventory of some favourite moments, its harder because its school holidays and our routines are disjointed with sleepovers and other things.

Just bear with me, and maybe i'll make it up to you.

Haha today i'm thankful for sisters who come to relieve me, so that i can catch up on sleep and recover a little. I'm thankful for cousins who cook so i don't have to, who worry that i take on too many kids but who never hesitate and think nothing of taking all of mine and then some others too.

I am thankful for friends who come out to visit, even though its their birthdays and we should go out of our way not the other way round, and don't mind that visiting means being hassled by the kids and watching me clean up and listening to Zane and i argue over irrelevant things.

I really have to go coz i can't focus at all at this moment and its really annoying to me... haha but Happy Birthday Dave.

Looking forward to your blog tonight!!

To those disappointed by this entry and uninspired by my lack of commitment and accountability of late, haha- just hush. I'll get back to it. Coz this is 3.6.5 Vien style. Missing a few days, but jammed packed on the days its jam packed on!

Haha this projects digressed much from the original that inspired it, but it's mine. It's ours. And this is us. 365 days of sometimes beautiful silence and not much happenings.

Lol its okay, i will get back to it, just give me a minute.

Coz despite what you might have heard you will never defeat me, ever defeat me, never- ever defeat me. Weee weee weeee. Hahahaha okay lets all just go to sleep now.