The big issues

I've been away, mentally... coz i'm panicking a little internally. This is an admission because, well lets just be honest with each other. I can keep stalling these blogs, or i can do what i'm meant to do. Tell it like it is. And always find the prettiness in what it is, no matter how it may seem.

Life's got these grey areas, where as much as you try n dance around them, try and decorate them with paintings of your awesome days, and amazing doings... the grey area, stays grey.

I'm not quite ready to talk about the details, and i might soon- still i might not.

It's not some huge dark secret, hehe just trying to learn what should be shared and what needs its own spaces. My sense of self, is always changing and i try to hold her to a degree of - for want of better word, Morality. When i am uncomfortable with situations, i always know what it is, i just choose to ignore it. The reoccurring thoughts, the sense of why are u denying i exist? Come on little sixth sense boy, i'm standing by your car window here... I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME!!

Hahahaha...okay so it's really late again and i'll come back to this...

for now, i'm grateful for these internal processes, for coming to a stage when i know despite the noise around me, there is only one that matters- and if i listen long enough, wait and work through the alarms.... it tells me exactly what i already know is true.

Hehe yes, sorry its a little airy fairy tinged with dark spots tonight... i'm distracted by sidelines again haha...

I feel like i have too many conversations hanging in the air- too many - i'll get to that soons.

I will, i will i'm just regrouping. Some things have thrown me... so to all the people i've left hanging by a moment- my apologies. I love you all, and my silence is not a rejection, no judgement or boredom, nor indifference or apathy. I just know, somethings trying to tell me where to go next, and i need to turn down the noise til i can hear better... but *big warm hugs* i'm coming back! Just wait right there, or you know - move but i promise i'll find you :)

hehe sorry nonsense...

So wrapping up- it was great to see you Suzie Nikolic! i know you're married but you will forever be known to me by that name! Hehe- you look awesome, busy and distracted but amazingly wonderful to see someone after so long, and have a lovely casual rushed chat, as if no worries, i'll see you next time... haha even though its the first time in 15 years or so that i've seen you since school!!?!?!

Haha your kids are beautiful. Thank you for the 2 minutes or so. It was really nice to watch you with the kids that are yours, and know that life's good for you :)

My highlights for them today: because their highlights were ordinary - like indoor playing coz of raining, watching lego Ninja and queen car queen...

hehe

Che:
Che says to me You mum, you're the best mum.
And i say, you Che, you're the best Che.
and he says 'You're funny mum'
And makes me smile.


Jacien had his face wiped, and coz it was sticky lollipop face i squished it to make sure i got the stickiness off- he narrowed his eyes and said MUM!! YOU SQUISH ME! NO NEED Squish me my face! Heheeheeee and his eyes go squinty when he smiles, like his whole face lights up and can't contain itself. He does it every night when he is waiting for me to Kit him. Its awesome.

Tivianh woke up first this morning, and she got to the door as i got out of bed and we smiled at each other and hugged. She's beautiful with her messed up hair and her little grin, and when i let her go- she ran to find her dad to give him a hug too- coz its rare that she see's him in the morning he's always gone by the time she wakes up.

I have these tiny moments- that are complete within themselves, that require nothing more than to be the perfection that they are. No explanations, no reason. Just is. I want my life to be these moments. So i keep trying to create the spaces, where they are free to roam.