Pardon me, this way is a very nice way.

There was a time in my life 

when i opened my eyes and there you were

HEHEHE... that song brings back something.

I had these odd feelings yesterday

when i went to spotlight 

through the section, with all the party stuff... and saw mothers, picking things out from the shelves... lost in thematic thoughts i suppose... i pictured their kids in the backyard havin a cowboy party with the fake guns and costumes and the girls with the fairy wings etc... it made me feel... kinda... weird.

I think its a whole TV image... and the feeling that it would be so surreal to one day wake up to be someones mother... shopping for party hats and paper plates with pictures on them, wondering if baking a cake would mean more than buying one.

Hehehe that just stirred up a kinda panic... that i hope i never do. Wake up one day in that situation. Hehehe i think i would go nuts, pack up my bags and not come back.. just like the mum in The Hours.

And the kid will be forever wondering... why their mother abandoned them. And the dad will just churn it down to She's went crazied. hehe.. the husband gets angry and the kid gets screwy in the head.

Yes it was a very involved sort of imagery the party section in spotlight conjured up.

I felt sadness and fear and then a general discomfort.

And moved on. Something else stirred a different but similar feeling later that day. And i chalked it up to be my coming period... all these "feelings" i was experiencing this odd winter day. Tehehe... well i was driving on the motorway to work, with the windows down and it was just about to rain and the smell of the air just reminded me... of my wanting to drive... forever to some place far away.... yes you'd probably end up there if you kept driving forever. Some place far away hmmm.

Hehehe the restlessness was the same as in the spotlight party section. The dissatisfaction with a life most ordinary...

That was written on the 15th of June 2005.

1 year and 1 day short of 1 month later, i gave birth to a baby girl.

 The rest, as they say - is history.

When i tell you dudes, of how i used to feel about motherhood, i wasn't kidding. I'd forgotten about this day, until i read it again, and i remember the exact moments and the weirdness of it all, the look on the mothers face as she stressed and contemplated-  and behind it the rising panic i can still feel... wrapping its fingers around my neck from the inside out. (Haha yeah i know... shhh now, they discharged me from  the institution because i pose no harm to myself or others. Come, sit closer *smiles*)

Haha i love spotlight, but i still avoid the party section. I dunno why coz i've done the kids parties, over done them regularly and blown them sky high, outta proportion on many occasions. 

It really did happen though, this blows me away... i did wake up one day and it HAD become my reality. 

One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it. SO true so true!

Haha, one of the clearest days in the blur of months after Tivianh was born that i can remember, is when i was sitting with her maybe about 2 weeks old, she was crying all the time, and i was exhausted and so unsure of everything, I sat on the bed in our Parramatta apartment holding her in my arms, took one look around the messy room and burst into tears. 

Not even quiet oh my gosh tears, but inconsolable - i can't breathe! tears. While she lay on my legs finally asleep i covered my face and wept gasping loudly for air and not even knowing why i was so upset. Zane, panicked and concerned kept asking me what was wrong, what could he do?

And in between gulps and gasps-  i said Everything! Everything is wrong, its all a mess and i can't do this! Everything is sooo messsy!!! 

Hearing the words messy, he frantically set about cleaning up our room. After a while of watching him i kinda thought he looks frightened and why wouldn't he be, i'm clearly insane. And i smiled a little and then it was okay again.

Haha, anyway when i think of newborns, and first time parents- i remember that day and i feel happy and sympathetic to them, because it will at the time seem dark and despairing,  but in hindsight it will be a time of intensity and amazing experiences. The memories are always wrapped in warmth to me. They were good times, precious and fleeting times- despite the fact some nights we just wanted to sleep and for the love of god would it just stop screaming!! Haha...

I'm not quite sure what i'm rambling about right now, but Jacie is next to me, his temperatures in the high 30's, heat coming off his skin that's barely touching my legs. I marvel all the time at how i got here... and these kids, they are like i'm sure i've said before, my destruction and my salvation rolled into one. 

Somedays, it does feel weird, some days i still want to drive forever, but i can't imagine turning around and not seeing a car full of heads and baby seats. Driving to anywhere alone, Now THAT feels weird!

Hehe i'm kinda falling asleep between sentences here and Jace needs me so i need to end this now.

Hehe today i am thankful for old me's and old words, for the cruel jokes played upon me by the universe itself... haha for pushing me out of comfort zones and forcing me to step up to the things i most dreaded. Because yes, if i can do this, i can do anything. Right??? 

Right!!

haha, grateful for old relationships, for words that remind me of how far i've come and how much of a surprise it is for me still. 

31 years old, wife and a mother of 3 - all this insanity has just shown me - the next time i take a walk down the aisles, and see a possibility i doubt i could ever be - to not write it off.

Because anything can happen, and when you least expect it to, it probably will.

You tell life all the things you can't do, and it tilts it's head, smiles and says to you okay, so prove it! Throws you in and watches you fight your way to the surface, and when you do- it grabs your hands, still smiling and asks you again-  so now that you CAN, where to from here? 

Hehe excuse the jumping around and scatteredness, so tired right now! But ...

I also found this one: 

April 29th 2005

Tims all annoyed sometimes... at the way i give up... when my life feels too hard. He gets frustrated at ideals.. and i'm all ideals. I have tonnes of opinions on what life and people and the world should be like... hehe

truth is it doesn't matter what i think.

But yeah, i'll find a balance. 

I'll show you Timothy Mark, that there is a job where i can get up and want to go to and be extremely happy and there is a world where learning is fun where i will do a course and love it so insanely i will do my work ten days in advance. Hehehe... and i will make it so my friendships are light and airy in the right areas and deep and meaningful down at the core. My family will know i care, will be proud and enjoy mine and each others company and respect that we all have boundaries and no one is owed anything. I will show you, that there is such thing as a perfect relationship.. With no fights and harsh words and no bad days.

it will take so much time

and so much energy

but i will work on it.

I have been dragging myself to work 

because i need the money to feel independent 

and i keep telling myself

i need to save up

to give myself the freedom i need

to do all the things i want to do

and i want more jobs

and more money 

and lately i think

i need more goals

to work towards coz i cant see a path

so i need to make one

and get excited about it

and do what it takes to get there

so maybe tomorrow

i'll work out where it is i'm going to take this life

and start buying the yellow bricks 

for my own little road...




Haha that was then, and this is now- i have My Dorothy, my Tin man, my Lion and my scarecrow... (which ones which i guess you'd have to place them yourself.)  But together now, we build our paths, not just yellow bricks, pebbles with faces, glitter and lollipop sticks - cept we don't follow them, They follow us.


These days i see more clearly now that Life throws me only sometimes. And sometimes, more often lately- i peer over the edges - and  leap on my own.

Sweet dreams. :)