The post before that one though, elicited some messages and a phone call from Zane to ask me what it was that i was being mysterious about. Haha i didn't intend for it to be so, i just didn't have the words for it. Tonight i probably don't either, but the things that were bugging me that night was based on friendships.
I felt like i had been less than forthcoming to a friend, and by the time i snapped myself out of it and came around to i can't be like this coz it feels like lies and pretence- it had been made worse by all my other attempts not to hurt her feelings. Because in the end lies are just that, pretty wrapping on a shitty present.
I'm sorry for my conduct, i don't even know how serious it was... but to me it feels heavy. And coz it sits there i feel like have these disingenuous relationships and i don't want these things in my life anymore. I don't want regrets and guilt and feelings of things just not being right. This is just not how i want my life and my friendships to be anymore. So i'm sorry. And i hope we can fix things. That's probably the most i can do right now... Point to the elephant in the room and say- hey guys i don't know if you guys have noticed, but there's an elephant in the room and i've been politely ignoring it, but it seems to be chewing on my ankles.
Hehehe...
i began this project of gratitude just noticing the surface of what i had to be thankful for, now i peel back layers and sometimes what's beneath it needs a little work. I will work on it all slowly and surely one day i will be rid or be riding on those elephants in all rooms to which i roam.
I want a life and relationships centered and anchored in honesty, in goodness, in sincerity.
Today i woke up happy, for books that reminded me of childhood, and for the arrival of this book
Because i need to look at long terms and map out where i will be five years from now. Time is fleeting these days, sometimes i don't know where all the days go, but 5 years from now, i wanna be insanely happy, i want my kids to know that it's possible to do whatever it is you set your mind to, whenever you set your mind to them.
Right now, i suppose its about setting my mind. Like i said, i've never been great at commitment so this is a steep learning curve for me. Setting plans n all.
Zane just turned on Everybody hates Chris and its really distracting!!! gossssssssssshhhhh!!
I also received this
I love packages!
In between i played with my new camera, contemplated friendships and tried to clear internal backlog of all the things that bug me and what i need to do to address them. We had lunch at the Morrises and dinner at Dads, Vietnam is locked in and its becoming a weird little feeling in my stomach of excitement and apprehension.
Lytha reminded me of how little time we have til the end of the year all the things i need to make time to do.
Today was hot, beautifully sunny and blue, full of the hint of summer fun- so it was hard to be pessimistic.
I have to believe that there are many ways to make the things i want be real. I have to learn not to fall into the 'there's so much to doooo' defeatist points of views. Haha.. defeatist. Sometimes you do just have to jump in and survey the mess from amongst it. Sometimes it won't make sense to everybody, and people will be confused and wary of your doings, but you hold tight and do what you can- a little a a time, then eventually it falls into place.
Here's to hoping anyway. :)
Photographic highlights:
Friday - Liz and Bac Hai @ playgroup. Good to see ya cuz.
Highlight of playgroup- watching Che hokey pokey!
Tivs favourite part was: sleeping over Aunty Phuongs
Che's : playing with his cousins Tyrese and Ethyn
Jacie who is still sick said: Going my house.
Zanes was sitting with Jacie having his Quality time.
Mine was the watching the kids jump on their dad and waking him up from his nap. Hehe
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