I'm talking about cancer.
Cancer is the thing everyone dreads when someone gets sick- its the worst diagnosis possible. It's the fear we have in the back of our minds... i don't know what to say about it. Cancer just sucks. It sucks so bad that we try n tip toe around it and we don't wanna talk about it and we pretend to be brave in the face of it.
It was always something i heard about - something far off in the distance- until it came to our front door, and since keeps turning up around corners and in shadows- insidious and infuriating in its random choices.
I ignored its encroachment into our lives, Janys Dad, Zanes mum, Mary- and all the other stories i'd only heard about- friends of friends, friends of family... more and more frequently.
When out of a gut instinct- i became concerned about a facebook update by one of my younger cousins saying her sister wasn't well... we called to find out that 11 year old Cathy had been sick for a coupla weeks with what they thought was gastro- when she was admitted to hospital she was weak and vomiting- when test results came back she was given a tentative diagnosis... a high chance of it being Leukemia.
This news, and her being so young- shook me more than i can ever explain.
Cancer is like a bomb- it hits and if you've survived the first impact- you're left marred- blinded and confused.
We didn't know what to do- we went up to see them at the childrens hospital. They confirmed it. Cancer. Stupid fucking cancer- in an 11 year old- who seemed healthy right up until then. In the weeks that followed, she had so many complications and procedures that one day when i had driven up there with my two other cousins- i sat in the hospital and kinda had this quiet panic attack.
Westmead Childrens Hospital is this strange place- where everyone is wonderful, extra open and caring and full of good will because they were all there- because of a common cause. A sick child.
When i sat there that day, i thought - oh my god there are so many sick kids here, what on earth- how could this happen to all these children- for the week or two leading up to then- i'd been teary and kinda paranoid- about the ticking timebombs that were children. Trying to stave off pessimism while feeling this devastation on behalf of her family- the nicest of people, good people, people who didn't deserve such things.
Anyway that day i just couldn't take it being there anymore - so while in the waiting room waiting for results of more conclusive tests i told my cousins we should leave- and after that i got updates via text and phone calls... but i never set foot back into that hospital. I can't tell you why i couldn't i just couldn't. It was paralysing... and when she had her brain drilled because of pressure - i couldn't wrap my head around the wrongness of the world.
When she got better, and eventually came home- i didn't go to see her - i told myself and other people it was because my kids were always sick (which they were for some reason) and i didn't want them near her with her immune system so compromised. I'd buy her silly things and send them with other people. Text her brother and get updates on her progress.
I couldn't bring myself to see her. It took me a while to admit it. I just couldn't see her- i didn't think i'd hold up face to face with it, with the reality of cancer in someone so young. So i put it off... and it bugged me - a lot- it annoyed me that i couldn't make myself go to visit her, i could leave the kids at home and go to see her... but i didn't want to. I didn't want to make her sad from all of my sadness- i didn't want to sit there and have her comfort me... this is what i said.
In truth i guess it was just fear. I was scared of being helpless. Of being in front of a kid, and unable to do ANYTHING at all to help her, to fix it, to make it better.
I'm sorry lil cuz.
Today, we went to her party- a week before she turns 12 and is scheduled to be admitted back into hospital for the next step- a bone marrow transplant...
I saw her for the first time in i don't even know how many months its been.
It was amazing- i'd forgotten how fun it was to have these far and few catchups with cousins i don't see often- and in the face of it all - they are just the same. Full of jokes, of laughter, of unconditional goodness.
Cathy was smiling, happy... quiet as she's always been, but for all the noise and chaos - she was amazingly cheerful. She watched the kids, loved her gifts, ate and laughed and i thought- wow what had i been so afraid of.
She isn't scared, and she doesn't want anyone to help her - she just enjoyed the normalcy. She appreciated the thoughts, and that was all.
Cancer- still makes me queasy. It still sits in the back of my head, an irrational thought.. and a couple of days ago when i received a message with the same word in it- yet another diagnosis. I felt numb. Like this thing keeps taking people from us, and how were we supposed to reconcile these losses? What was the point to all this.
But today- today it didn't matter.
Today we laughed despite it.
We got together and sang, celebrated life... celebrated family... celebrated in the face of CANCER.
Somewhere today - i realised that's all we can do- we continue and we don't let it break us, don't let it defeat us... don't give it that satisfaction.
Today i am thankful for family. Who show me everyday as i get older, that no matter how much time has passed: home, is where everyone gathers to eat, laugh and bag each other out.
To the Ho's who are inspirational in their strength - their optimism and their amazing resilience... thank you for showing me that you don't have to be the victim of anything, that you have control over how you chose to deal with things. They do what they have to do and they do it without complaint, without drama, without blame.
Co 8 has always been my favourite Aunty because she never judged us, never spoke about us, only to us. And she's raised four extraordinary children who are testimony to the incredible person she is.
Thankful for little people who laugh at my insanity, and pose for my photos and are stronger than i will ever be.
Happy birthday - or happy week before your birthday lil miss... and i know the next year, although it will begin with challenges- will only come to prove that you were made for extraordinary things.
The kids all loved being there, playing with family- and feeding the roots- that remind me of how we all used to be. There are probably more of them now than there were us... but i hope they grow up having these days- where food and laughter is abundant. And i hope they know, no matter what life throws our way... we have these wonderful, unconditional, unchanging spaces- where everything is wrapped and founded in light and love - with people who know only that we are gonna be alrite - always, no matter what happens or who we become.
:) thank you for today.
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