exhale

I know... it's been quiet hasn't it?

I'm neither here nor there at the moment- i guess this is what they refer to as jetlagged. I wouldn't know coz i've never really travelled?! haha...

I've been putting off Vietnam- because there was this particular photo i took, that my mind dances around as a starting point. I went to look through my photos and found not only had it- but 2 entire days (and oh what photo filled days they were) had disappeared.

I literally stopped dead in my tracks and like in all catastrophes - i hold my breath. Command the panic to be still. 

Anyone who knows me or - is a remote friend on facebook knows i'm snap happy and i take thousands upon thousands of photos each year. This was our first real holiday as a family- i documented everything. For what i lacked in writing on this blog, i made up with a daily photo journal.

I've lost 2 days. two and a bit. I've desperately searched for any possible misplacement, Zanes set the computers to work recovering harddrives and memory cards - it seems that these files- have somehow been erased completely.

It's a nightmare of sorts. And i refused to write or even go through the entire trips folder for the knowledge of what was lost.

I know, there are many many horrors that outdo this- but as Poor Jamie who lost her wedding photos due to the incompetence of the photographer she hired, would testify- there is a grieving for memories when they are lost.

I've remained relatively composed, but i have my moments-i know on a scale of one to awful- in the events of the big bad world and beyond- it's nothing.

So Zane consoles me with You have them all in there *points to his head* why would you put my photos in there - thats the most unreliable storage space ever!! Haha i argued that the kids would benefit from being reminded photographically of the awesome things we did in Vietnam- they're young but still will have hazy recollections and memories which in adult hood will be prompted by my excessive photo taking.

Those two days were filled with intensity and adventure and its allll gone... we journeyed to grandmas tomb and the next day to the end of Vietnam... i can't show you the photos of that. The pit of my stomach whimpers a cry of disdain.

I am sad for the loss.

But these, are small sorrows and i have the memories stored in my decaying brain somewhere. Hehe so i might build a bridge- like the tiny ones across the chocolate brown rivers that we had to cross to get to the tomb- the ones i lost the photos of.. and make my way tentatively over it.

*sigh*... i'll release the Vietnam tales soon, but i'm busy frantically playing catch up with all the things i need organised for the kids and the year.

Energy levels are wavering - and gotta get my act together, so hold on... i'll get to the stories, for those with photos i'll find them and piece together what was - an amazing time.

For now i have forms to fill out, and activities to sign up for, spaces to organise and reorganise- hehe schedules to plan.

Today:

Tivi and i made a deal that this year we wouldn't fight over breakfast, she smiled a pretty smile and shook my hand. I said if i got cranky she could remind me that this wasn't how we should begin a day. Haha we try- we fail- we try again. 

She had a better day at school and came home smiling. I'm concerned that she doesn't eat enough and have to remind myself yet again - that there are children who live off far far less than her and to let things go.

She calls out to me not 5 minutes ago- and in the darkness asks for air con. She loves her aircon. I ask her if its really that hot, she says yeah im hot. The bed is quite high up and it can get stuffy up there. I switch it on and peer over to watch her stretch sleepily. She's long and her hair is splayed all over the pillow. 

okay, Love you baby girl...

I love you mum.

it always makes me laugh how easily they hold conversations and then fall back asleep as quickly as if it never happened.

My favourite part mum, was watching Ninjago the 3rd one today, i didn't know there was 3 but thanks mum for getting it for me - and my favourite present was my 3 beyblades and my big beyblade and my camera, and i liked all my presents mum.

Thankyou for my camera mum.

I'm going to give you four kisses now.

Hehehe, since he turned 4 i get one extra kiss. At 20 i will remind you that this is how it works. 

Today, in the middle of napping - jacie rolls over suddenly and sits up 'My light saver! i drop it!'
'Oh no!'
"i drop it out there!' *points out the window* ' on the woad! and a car crash it!'
'Oh when?'
'Before when i go with daddy, need get anover one!'
*slides off the bed and runs out the door*

Hehehehe... ahh Jacie, i love that head of yours.

You're all so different my kids, all so funny in your own little ways... and as much as i've bagged this gig- there's nothing that will ever be quite like it. 

For days now i thought about the pictures i'd never get to show you- the ones of you all squatting in front of Ba co's tomb, the first motorbike ride at the end of Vietnam- the group photo we self timed on the stairs of the pagoda, the bridges and huts we passed along the way. And the crazy lady who stole a piece of my soul - in her smile and her familiarity. 

I hold onto photographs as if they are actual pieces of a reality that still exists. But i look at the three of you, at the moments i freeze frame daily and i know that nothing stays still. It is just a split second and the world has moved since- all that remains is the memory of how it felt and that, will be with me always.

Exhale.