five oh three two oh one two

Sorry been gone for a little bit. 

Too much soul searching going on round these parts. 

Haha, i'm in the middle of pushing for some changes in my life. When i say pushing - i mean small psychotic outbursts that may or may not makes sense to anyone living outside of my head... hehe...

I'm lucky, incredibly lucky to have this group of friends though, who let me talk all sorts of crazy and laugh with and at me- until you know- nothing makes any sense anymore or... things just dissipate in the knowledge- that life can't be that bad, if you're having this many laughs a day.

Thanks to my Baby-shitstirrers club, of mums who've been there to offer their eyeballs and LOLings to my typing rants. 

As always to Cat- who always pops up whenever i need a good windscratching soul session. Haha... thanks dudes.

The weekend passed us by as it always does, in the speed of light and the social lives of the young and restless. I left my camera at dads  on Saturday and havent ventured back to retrieve it. SO back to iphone we went, coz even if i dont write, it feels wrong not to take at least a photograph.

Anyway, after last night - which for some reason feels like a lifetime ago... and subjecting a heavily pregnant Marii and a crippled Cat - to a good earful of all my woes and ails... i woke up feeling.. refreshed!

Haha and Cat and i well, we concluded in the car on the drive home, that no matter how bad our lives ever got- it never is THAT bad. We have homes, food, families, friends and all sorts of fallbacks. We are blessed enough to have so much excess that we are afforded the time to find fault with the little things. 

In the end, on the grand scheme of horrible things you have to deal with... ours are little things.

Well mine anyway, i suppose i shouldn't speak for her, her life... has been an adventure i sometimes only see the trailers for.

I woke up and felt, lucky. To be where i am. To have these friends, who've heard me out through every small and every life changing moment. To have these kids, who afford me time to play, to see, to be in charge of forming characters, to question every value i ever had- because now i'm accountable for so much more.

I focussed on all the things that were going wrong, but not in a sad, negative or sorry for myself way. I had a huge personal revelation. One i may or may not share. It came as a shock. Then as a relief.

Now, it's a catalyst. A movement for change. A reason to steer in a clearer direction.

But tonight... i wanted to balance out an imbalance.

For all The complaints i've levelled to and around him in the past week

I offer this...

10 things i love about Zane

- He watches TV like he knows the people on it, offering advice, cringing and cursing their mistakes and cheering on their victories. It's odd, but its cute also.

- He never asks me why i need to go out with my friends, or when i will be back.

- He can't watch or hear (on any show, in the news or stories of) kids being hurt, or women - without shaking his head, narrowing his eyes and sighing, coz it feels so helpless and wrong.

- He never tells me i'm a psycho even when i'm a psycho.

- He doesn't like to wear shoes.

- He changes nappies, washes vomit from clothes and kids in the middle of the night, without complaint. Whenever they're sick- he never gets annoyed with them for their rude awakenings or terrible behaviour.

- When he's letting me sleep in, he always yells at the kids to be quiet coz i'm sleeping. Haha

- He lets me sleep in.

- He takes all three kids for walks and never complains (like i do) that its so hard and takes so long and isn't very much fun at all.

- He always moves parking spots if i make faces like the one he has chosen is just too far.

- He likes all the shows i like.

- he never asks me what i spend my money on. 

- he loves family history

- He has this weird pride about a smooth patch of skin near his elbow. (haha!)

- I feel weird and out of whack when we don't talk 

Haha okay see that's more than 10 things. 

It may not sound like grand things, and its not hugely romantic or soggy with grossness, but i always like the little details of people. And of course in between there are a gazillion things to love about a person, - and when the person is 'That' person, even the things you don't like so much, are the things that in their absence, you remember and (reluctantly) miss.

A while back, i resolved, never to take people for granted. Sometimes in the daily routines of life, i forget and slip into this tendency to find faults.

At the end of the day, these things never matter. 

What matters is underneath it all, there's nothing i wouldn't do to make the world good for every single one of you. Because your happiness is mine. 

And that, is - love.