Clearing waters.

My head is kinda imploding.

Growing up is extraordinarily hard some days, and i feel sad for this whole cycle where we have to grow through these uncomfortable trial and errors of what fits and what doesn't. All the years of doing and undoing who we are. WTF i have no idea.

Parenthood is insane. I finally had a "chat" as (Tivi called it after she asked us to stop arguing) with my sister, probably a really overdue one - about our differences in parenting.

Its hard coz we live under the same roof - and i'm very well aware that there is no right or wrong way to raise kids - just different ways for different people and families.

I get into heated discussions on issues sometimes - and sometimes i know there is no real answer - so its a discussion that goes nowhere...

I guess at the end of the day - who am i to say how anything should be done. I don't mean to come off as self righteous or any better than anyone else. I'm just guessing. And second guessing..

I do talk about other people and other peoples kids... and how they're handled.... but underneath it all it's not really a 'judgement' - but everything comes from a perspective that's mine so it probably comes off as that.

I don't mean it to be.

Sometimes there are points in this gig, when i just think - I'm in so way over my head, that if it weren't for the fact that there are these tiny people staring at me with their big eyes, needing some kinda something that i'm not sure i have... i would just pack it in and call it a day.

All this stuff isn't something i thought i could handle, and some weeks i'm doing awesomely - then i get slammed hard by a curve ball that i never had the skill or mitts to catch.

Once i got hit in the eye with a softball, while 'fielding' because i was daydreaming and standing there and when the ball came at me i didn't even realise until it made contact with my right eyesocket.

I had a black eye for weeks.

Anyway that's what parenting feels like - one minute you're standing there on the grass, enjoying quiet and blue skies and forgetting that you're playing a game you have very little skill in - and the next well - you get a softball to your eyesocket and you're wondering how the fuck that even happened. Why do they call it a softball anyway... its pretty damn hard.

I've never been great at sports- and this one well - the rules keep changing... so what i'm supposed to do one day is different the next.

Anyway, so i keep getting told to be great at something you have to get practice at it. Model yourself on the people who already do it well.

I lack role models sometimes so i just wing it.

I noticed though in our 'conversation' - i get defensive where i probably shouldn't - i get critical when i'm defensive.

I know as a mother particularly, that one thing is true - there is no ONE way, no RIGHT way or Real way to raise a child - it's hard - it's frustrating and confusing... there is so much advice out there well meaning or otherwise - there's so much criticism and worst of all there is so much SELF doubt... that parents... well they should just remember that - we're all doing the best we can - the best way we know how, and judgements - only worsen a situation that is already far too varied.

So tomorrow and the next and the next day - we try again and we work on making things work better.

I miss my mum for all the wisdom i'm sure she could have shared.

Dearest sister, i hope you know - that despite what it looks or sounds like sometimes - i'm not 'judging' in so  much that i'm just TRYING to do the best i can with the resources i have. (at this time anyway). I don't disagree at all with what you said, kids shouldn't be confused by rules that don't make sense to them and sometimes even to us. Istruggle daily with my role here. As a parent, as an Aunt as someone RESPONSIBLE (in part at least) for other lives.

I freak out all the time about my capability to handle such a task. So sometimes i stand on grounds - that are as shaky as the words i use to define or explain them. Make arguments with gaping holes.

In the end - alls i want is  not to break them - not to 'fail miserably' - and hopefully for these kids to grow up into good and happy people.

You 'owe' me nothing. I struggle to feel like, all that you've done for us - isn't this huge debt  i'm doing a shithouse job of even trying to repay by being around and helping in these lil ways - sometimes i'm even helping in any way - sometimes it feels like i just make things worse.. coz its all filled with murky greys and unknown waters. If that makes any sense.

But thanks - for finally speaking up. You have no idea what a relief it is, to hear in words what's been in the air for so long. Haha or maybe you do... anyway...

It's not an argument, its just a Chat!

Haha and Thank you Tivianh, for quietly adding 'My mum is doing a good job!' - that made me feel a heap better.

Anyway, there's so much else going on these days.

I feel good though. And Tivi raises her eyebrow at me, tilts her head and looks quizzical as i sigh and try out the whole incantations thing.

Every day in
Every way
It's getting
Clearer and clearer.

Coz 2012 was supposed to be that year - of letting clarity define me.

So in the middle of the murky waters we meet, and then happily float our separate ways, enjoying the sounds of Children splashing in the shores of all our well meaning uncertainties.

Haha and it just is what it is, and we aren't always who we are, we're sometimes in the process of becoming something else.

What else for it - but just to laugh when we can - and enjoy the experience for what it is. Or try to anyway.. :)