Yay! *throws confetti and blows one of those paper whistle things at your faces*
I'm tired. A little bummed out by terrible things. I remember my ex boyfriend telling me matter of factly when i went to my first funeral and said 'I can't believe he died...' his words were cold and unforgiving and in the years that followed they always lingered - 'Get used to it' he'd said ' - the older you get the more people die.'
Get used to it....
I don't think there's any way to get used to it. The big gaping hole that WAS a person. There's a way to just numb it- keep on keeping on. But i've never grown used to going to funerals. I'm awkward and uncomfortable and a little jittery - the more familiar i am with the rituals the less used to it i become.
I've never been afraid of the act of dying. Just the consequences of it. The silences of it. The huge void where a smile, a voice, a face... a hug. Will never be again. I'm uncomfortable with the things i have no words to define. Death creates a Loss so immense it has no unit of measure.
Tomorrow we farewell Janys mum. Burials always freak me out. I remember standing at Janices, and seeing Che's face when they lowered her into the ground and when the dirt was tossed down... he looked so shocked - so surprised. What were they doing to Nanna and her box.
Reality hit me then. She was gone. They would never know her again. There would just be memories- faded and inexact. No amount of wanting could undo this. My heart broke for him - for all of them.
There is no getting used to that.
So i hold my breath for their family. For those moments that grief will steal away their smiles. The days where 'i wishes... and she would have's...' end in sighs and soft sorrows.
And to Ngan - whose loss i will never even dream to know. To all the mothers who've known that unspeakable space... my heart is heavy for you. I have no words for the things that are beyond any understanding. Just a silence where all things undefinable, come to just 'be', and the rest of life stands still.
This is heavy for a 200th post. But this is where my mind is at today
I am thankful though, for the reminder - that being woken up to clean vomit in the early hours of the morning- having to make breakfasts, lunches and dinners- clean and do laundry... kids who don't always listen; Exhaustion and the daily grind... these things are small and insignificant.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
So thank you for these kids, for these moments. For the sunshine that warmed us today in the bedroom - where Tivi looked at me and said 'Mum, you're beautiful.' and i responded with my usual ' No i'm not, but you are.' and she smiled down at me and said ' I am, but you are too.' then added 'Inside and out' And i hoped with all my hopes that she will always believe this - just for herself though... because i'm not quite sure i ever believed it for me.
Che ran in as he does at night... looks at me with his serious and narrowed eyes... 'Can we do favourite parts now?' and runs off to his bed to wait- he is barely keeping awake... but he will not sleep without our rituals. I collect favourite parts like train tickets.
I am thankful for the shelter we have, for the warm blankets the little things we take for granted. For afternoon naps with my little girl - who was the first real commitment i ever made. Thankful for the lessons they teach me everyday about myself. About the world. About everything.
As promised the mothers day Video by Zane:
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