Another turning point

I promised i would stick to my schedule. I'm a little behind and i'll substitute read and sleep for just sleep.

But Gratitude hours been cut short because we went to visit Jany.

I'm bad with seriousness, i'm bad with grief. I'm bad at condolences and the right words to say. Sometimes people say to me 'You always know what to say.' I figure they are being sarcastic.

I make jokes and say inappropriate things. This is what i'm like all the time though.

I preface often with - i'm retarded at these things so please don't take me the wrong way. I say shit coz i don't know what else to say.

Jany, you amaze me with your courage, and that's what i feel you had in some kinda mind blowing abundance these last few weeks. Your time with your mum was precious, and it would have  taken a lot look that whole thing past, future and present in the eyes and stay. It must have been extraordinarily hard. *hugs* you did it.

Your family is amazing.

Your parents have done an extraordinary job with you all.

Like i said - i sound retarded but tonight...

I'm grateful for friends, for all these times that we've shared... for the moments where if anything we just sit and bear witness to the silences in between. For all the words we don't have the vocabulary to say... but we sit and talk and laugh. The world changes around us. We move, and pull each other along.

The familiar point where, when nothing makes sense- we come, we eat - we talk nonsense. We're just there to let each other know - we'll always be there.

I love you man, i'd be lying if i said i'm not a little apprehensive for you, a little scared of what comes next. Sometimes i feel paralysed with not knowing what to do for people, how to show things.

*shrugs* then i thought vomit like this... and i offer whatever it is that i might have to offer that day... ussually this odd sense of humour.

It's worked okay so far. We're all still friends. Lol.

Elyse chose me as her favourite! No, it wasn't just coz i lured her in with my shiney camera. Haha... she loves me the most that's all.

Thank you Jany and Jeanne for making us feel better- talking and being normal when we i'm sure were lost in our awkwardness. It was really good to see you. Really good to know that your family holds itself together with this unquestionable love.

Dear life, Be kind to her now. She's been through enough.



Thank you Tivi for making a card for Aunty Jany, your face etched with concern when you heard the news even though you weren't sure who AUnty Jany was... lol,  to Jacie for the gross kiss you gave me before i left and to Che when just moments ago i went to put the blanket over you whispered just barely audibly 'I love you so much mumma.'