A mountain of digital files.
Haha... so much has happened and so little at the same time... the world is as its always been- A bit of this, a sprinkle of that... and it all keeps moving.
What to write - what to say - what to do about this clutter.
Hehe... so my notebook is chugging away trying to make a little something of the photos that have accumulated since i kinda stopped writing here again.
I wrote entries in a diary for the week that i was offline. I never mentioned that here but this always is supplementary to my Facebook shenanigans - the written entries should be typed up i guess but they're pretty trite. Alls i really wanted to do that week was read my book... and so i did.
For the first time in years i finished a book in a week. Haha- i used to read books in a day, now a week is quite an achievement.
Now to finish the other 10 that are piling up on my shelf.
Anyway... random thoughts time.
Zane yesterday showed me this thing he said he wanted us to do together, he said it looks like so much fun. He showed me a you tube clip, i thought - well that looks like fun to photograph... but you mean you think we should actually partake in that??? This marvellously romantic thing He was referring to was: http://sydney.thestampede.com.au/ a kind of mud run obstacle course thing... Leah at work was doing it with a team of people... and they had some drop outs.
Haha... okay if you know me at all... i'm not an obstacle course type kinda person. My first reaction was - are you daft Man, who do i look like to you? Melissa Vuong?? Haha if you don't know Mel - well she's the kind of person who does this stuff 3 times a year for the fun and dirtiness of being covered in mud.
Haha... me, i've avoided sports since... well year 10. When they gave me a choice not to do sports. Haha i joined 'groups' - Gifted and Talented Arts, Writers group.. yearbook editorial. Yes, i hid my lack of co-ordination behind more intellectual persuits Haha...
After having 3 kids, my body kinda shows it's dissatisfaction with my lack of physical exercise. Haha i said to Zane... i would probably die! haha... seriously it's possible!
He kept responding with 'But doesn't it look fun? ' Why yes, it looks smashing. You do it and i'll take photos.
Haha... and what would we do with our kids anyway kind sir. (yes, i do use my kids as little squirming shields to deflect people's annoying insistance for me to step outside of my comfort zones) lol...
Today... well it's been kinda bugging me. Part of me has been screaming - CHICKENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN and making clucking wing flapping ridicule sounds at the part that says No thanks! to doing something so absurd as an obstacle course.
So i'm feeling all blah this morning after a long breakfast battle with the kidlets who are still on holiday mode. Tivi is feeling the after effects of over indulging in junk and is particularly prone to turning on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. (is it a pin or a hat... silence pin drop - hat tipping what the heck... i've muddled up all of my strange sayings haha...) anyway... she gets really emo when she's about to get sick. She gets bratty and emotional and then there's a burst of crazy before she lays there, weak with fever and if i'm ultra lucky - midnight vomit episodes.
It's kinda weird how you start recognising the signs early on, after 6 years of tuning into her- there's an anticipation of the worst... tempered by a hope that it will just pass. Sometimes it does... sometimes she just begins the process and miraculously turns it around.
Anyway i'm rambling... but Tivis been whingey and as always breakfast is a battle of wills... Che is on Holiday mode and sleeps in past breakfast time. Luckily for all of us, he can scoff down food before i've even cleared any dishes- no matter how late he gets up.
This morning though he was all 'I'mmmmm tireeeeedddddd....' and refusing his cereal- and we were running late. I hate running late. My OCD is a side effect of motherhood.
Anyway so i lose the plot and there are tears and threats and then... well then she is sent to school and i'm driving to Preschool with a carfull of kids - and Jacie does this remarkable thing where he takes charge of 'THank you fors'.
What are you thank you for Mum?
I grunt.
I'm thankful for the fact that once i drop all these kids off- i'll only have ONE child today! Haha...
Kynan shouts I thank you for Blue sky!
Che tells him to wait his turn. I start to ask him what he is thank you for.
Che says No mum, Jacies in charge.
Sorry... hahaha... this shizz really does work. I'm more amused and less annoyed already.
Jacie goes around the car.
This morning the kids are thank you for: Blue skies and Aunty Vm and their cousins, and trees and cars and Lightening Mcqueen.... i'm sure there was more but i can't recall anymore... the point is they yanked me gently away from charging headfirst into a bad day.
I am thank you for my lovely children - the biological ones, and the weekday work hours ones.
Jacie and i go do our shopping. We skip storytime at the library but return after the supermarket to borrow some books.
Jacie chooses his books. One in particular tickles his fancy and and he sits himself down and commands 'Read it to me mum, come on.'
We read two books - one about a grouchy bear that makes friends with a mouse, and another about an otter whose mum loves him very much.
I love the fact that when we trawl through the small childrens section of the library - Jacie points out the books we've already read... i pick up a book and ask him 'Remember this book?' and he nods and says 'Yes, that one is the Goblin and the Empty Chair. We read that one already hey mum.'
I am impressed with his memory, and the fact that once he has chosen his books he says matter of factly 'Okay, lets go home.'.
When we get home and i go to read to him in bed, he says this and it is the highlight of my day:
"Mum, i'll tell you somefing.'
Yeah?
"you the best mummy in the whole world, an i love you vewy much."
Hehehe... i forget that he's supposed to be napping and i'm running out of time to make dinner.
We read books and i fall asleep while he plays driving his car on my arm and head.
Hehe... later on, On Facebook, Yummii (I mention her a lot i realise without much explaination - she's just always popping up at these times when i need a mind flip and changes my moods with her awesome finds and sunshiney words... she originally came into my life as the brand new mystery girlfriend of a friend who i rarely ever see these days... haha i added her on Facebook when another mutual friend told me about a project she was doing called 1000 days of inspiration read about/follow it here: http://rachelleandsebastian.squarespace.com/1000-days-of-inspiration/- anyway long story shortened... she finds cool stuff and i get the latest delivered to my screen via facebook.)
Sooo.. today she offers me this: http://itstartswith.com/
And i'm reading it and it's wow, and i think - hey i wanna be like that chick. I wish i had friends like that!
Hehe... and somehow my brain links this with the idea of comfort zones and possibility and how often i find myself making excuses... Not to do things. It flashes back to Zane and Stampede and taunts me again.
Fine. WHatever. I see what you're saying. Haha so i say - okay look i'll do it.
Zane says you don't have to if you don't want to.
I say it's precisely that i don't want to, that i should.
I have that fear of making an idiot outta myself - well, you know- i don't mind being a goofball that says the most inappropriate things in social settings... hahaha i do that kinda idiot all the time - but when it comes to things i know i'm not good at- like sports... i cringe at the fact that i'd most likely make a complete fool of myself. Haha... so i just don't do it.
But... it's a year of change. A year of growth. A year of challenging the things i always said i couldn't do.
A year of at least Trying.
So November 17. See you at Valley Stampede. Bring popcorn and a camera.
Haha... so she says
"......
Who are you, and what will you do?
I BELIEVE that the way to figure this out is by DOING SOMETHING. Thinking it through isn’t enough. You have to act.
You have to start.
Passion isn’t discovered by passivity. Passion is discovered through experimentation, testing, exploration, and a whole lot of hard work.
But you have to start.
You need to take action.
You need to do something."
Whatever Sarah Peck. You're not the boss of me!!Lol... okay okay... sorry about the jumble here... i'm having a kinda one of those things... an existential crisis. Haha... so you know just join the party yo.
Other things on my mind lately have been - Making time and spaces, reading more books. Writing letters. DOing stuff.
haha... oooh and this other thing that amused me about myself... happened also a few days ago when Sonny - whose father recently passed away - left me a message on msn that said 'we should catch up.'
What? In real life?
Was my response.
Hahaha... it made me realise that i have these relationships with people where - we're really good friends - who never see each other... and the thought of actually going out to see them feels awkward to me.
Sonny and i originally 'met' at Tafe some years back - by 'some years' i mean about 7 or 8 possibly close to 10 who knows. Haha... And by Met... i mean we did the same Design course, and shared a coupla teachers.
Anyway so Sonny turns out to be a stalker and somehow appears on my MSN once the course is long over... haha and since then we have these often late night chats about all sorts of random things.
He remembers the announcement of my pregnancies, knows many of the details of my life and friendships- we share real life friends in common. He is good friends with one of my terrible teenage boyfriends, a relationship i like to deny.
Haha... anyway... all these events and conversations we've shared - have been Online.
I have never actually SPOKEN anything more than possibly two sentences to Sonny.
I tell Zane about how i have friendships like this... and he says to me, you should go see him. Again i say but why? Haha... Maybe he needs a real friend right now. Maybe he just wants to see someone.
Oh
That's awkward.
Haha... i don't do small talk. I live in my head. I spend my days with kids. I don't often speak out loud the things that i'm thinking.
I have all my conversations in text.
I'm much wittier in type.
In real life i'm a bit lost. I don't come across right. My mouth often communicates in a strange paraphrasing of what i'm actually thinking.
Haha... i get easily distracted.
This is a problem i realise. I'm socially retarded.
Haha... Sonny interestingly didn't push the point.
I think even he knows that this is a strange thing to say to me. Catch up indeed.
Haha... but we talk - about his fathers death, about his family, about his baby due sometime round Christmas.
Online it is much easier to get past the surface of people and ask the things that matter, in person there are far too many distractions.
But i should try.
Haha... Ahhh so here's to saying Yes. For one week. Any requests. Out of the comfort zones, and into experimentation.
I can do this.
*cringe* haha there was a video thingy but it's taking ages. 2am and a 6am start.
WOohoooOOo
Looking forward to:
Getting stuff sorted.
Preschool disco dressups
A gazillion birthday celebrations
Dinner with girlfriends
Doing awkward things.
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