headspaces

i'm in the process of organising the entire years worth of photos...

By in the process i mean i look at the hundreds of folders i have, click through them - and then go and do something else.

Haha...

The year is repeating. Since i started documenting it - it's come full circle.

Kynan turns three tomorrow.

The kids are all a year older.

Time is just sprinting along, leaving me breathless and laying in the dust of events and adventures.

Spouting cliches like i'm old enough to be a mother of three, baking cookies and signing notes.

Haha, no one ever feels this old. Until they are.

So Cat flies out tomorrow on a new adventure, and sometimes in her- i see the sliding door of what my life might have looked like. I remember all the nights we talked about how lost we were. How sometimes, we still do in between all the days that kids and work and the diverged roads don't meet, when we happen again to pass a common wood.

I wish i could make her believe what everyone else see's in her, but despite it all... the fact that she expects so much of herself, is one of the most awesome things about her. It makes her hard on herself, it also makes her want to be the best person she can be. That can only be a good thing right to see so much in yourself that you KNOW you can do better, be more?? Hehe sure. It's familiar. It's always a lesson in DOING rather than thinking and giving credit and seeing the process as an achievement. The result is an evolution not a concrete goal.

Haha, so i've been floating around in these headspaces, doing the opposite of what my books tell me to do - not being present. Daydreaming.

I've had this feeling that somethings coming for so long now... some days i'm dismayed at the time it's taking. Some days i know this doing and undoing... it's just foundations that i can't get right.

So i open my eyes every day. And i do one thing at a time.

I push aside the voices that tell me i've disappointed again. That i didn't follow through. I push them aside because they are wrong. I have, i will. I am.

So... i'm not sure what it is i'm saying. Coz i feel like writing about something else entirely.

But today - Kynan was so cute, carrying his suitcase and bouncing along - haha he's happy and bouncy and oblivious. I'm jealous because i don't remember how to be like that.

The kids grow up and i'm terrified they'll all forget like i did.

But i swallow the fears, turn the volume down on the doubt. And return to my daydreams, forcing myself back to meet their questions.

Haha... life keeps going like this. A repeat lesson i can't pass.