You throw mini tantrums.
The books tell me this is just ploy for attention.
I suppose they could be right.
Today, we wandered the shops, as we do on a Wednesday.
Wednesday is the middle day between preschool and playgroup, we go to the library on Wednesdays.
On Wednesdays you stop me at your favourite 'Honey Chicken and Steamed Rice' place... since you were not even yet three and we started going to storytime at the library- back in the days of your Chicken and wice obsession - you learned that the white rice, was called steamed rice.
Haha a year later, we're friends with the people behind the counter, the lady knows your name - knows your order. Her husband today remarks that you've grown up - that his daughter who is also three has grown bigger and so much more demanding. You wait patiently while we chat about kids and their funny personalities.
We sit down to eat, and as always you have 2 forks. They put two in because they think we share it you and i... but to you the two forks mean- one for chicken and one for rice. You used to eat all the chicken first then start on the rice - purely because the rice was always too hot.
Today you say - can you blow my rice mum? and you alternate spoons. One chicken, one rice.
In Big W i look at cardigans. I need proper clothes for working i suppose- You run around the racks and giggle.
You find the crocodile in a mound of soft toys. the crocodile is as big as you. A soft toy. I love this croc-dile! You say. I pull a face at you and point out to you that you always tell me you have too many toys already. You say, but i have space on my bed for this one croc-dile!
I don't say anything.
You put him back with your head hung slightly.
Oooh... now if you'd insisted on getting it, i would have said no.
But as you walk away i tell you go get him, and you run back.
I love this croc-dile mum!
It is all lovely until we leave and get to the place where the ladies are collecting money for breast cancer. You usually love to bounce up to the buckets and put coins in. I offer you 2 dollars, and you shake your head.
I don't want to.
Instead you clutch your croc dile - and take the two dollars and throw it on the floor.
I pick it up put it in the bucket for the lady who is smiling at you and turn back to you and ask why you did that.
You hang your head, and you know by my tone that i'm not impressed with you- so you do something that you've done more and more often now. You sit down on the ground and refuse to move. You won't look at me. I say okay then, i'm going home bye Jacie. I start walking away. Usually you wait a bit then follow.
TOday, you put your crocodile on the floor.
ANd lay down on him.
You don't even look up.
I say BYE! again loudly.
The breast cancer lady is watching you surprised. He's not even looking! she says to me laughing.
The old couple on the seat in front of you laugh and whisper to each other.
You lay there.
I walk behind the sign and watch you.
You don't even look up.
People walk past and some laugh and some look around until they catch my smile and are reassured that he isn't lost.
The charity lady goes up to talk to you. You respond by laying face down on the crocodile.
I do nothing but watch you. I don't negotiate with terrorism.
Although this seems to be a silent, lay down protest.
Minutes pass and people walk around you.
I am as stubborn as any of my children can be- so i shrug at all the suggestions the lady who is trying to get you to get up is giving me and you.
Another lady comes by, this time with the crew of 'special needs' people who do their shopping there in a big group on wednesdays.
She stares at you and it's only when she starts pulling the crocodile from under your head that i walk over and intervene. She points at you and indicates up.
I tell her it's okay and indicate that she should let go of the crocodile preferably BEFORE your head hits the ground. She shrugs her shoulders and lets go. You take your crocodile and lay your entire body on top of him. I sit down and say to you calmly:
Jacie i will call dad and let him know where you are, and he can come to pick you up after work. Or you can come home with me now, because i'm going. It's up to you.'
You don't look at me, but you get up- pick up your crocodile and take my hand.
We walk away as if nothing happened.
Behind us the benches and groups of observers laugh and wave bye, you ignore them and start chatting to me about how to carry your crocodile.
I don't mention the fact that you spent 15 minutes laying on the shopping center floor.
We continue our day and you keep telling me how you love croc-diles, and you forgot to get a book about them- but at preschool your teacher read you one.
We talk about the book and you tell me what you know about croc-diles. They live in water and snap things, and some are goodie guys and some are baddie guys. We talk about the ENormous Crocodile and his tricky ways.
I tell you i know a man who also loved crocodiles. We will watch some videos on my computer when we get home.
You sit on my lap, with your Crocodile - you've named him Samily.
We watch Steve Irwin catch crocodiles and put trackers on them and release one down at a beach.
You hear that he is called the 'Crocodile Hunter.'
I explain to you that what he does is to protect the crocodiles.
We watch more videos of Australia Zoo, and i tell you that he owns the zoo- that he protects many animals not just crocdiles.
You watch thoughtfully and while other kids often get bored of documentaries, you ask me questions and make observations- ask if you can see more.
We will borrow some books next week all about crocodiles i tell you.
Yes, you say they will have some next time.
When it's bedtime i go to collect your favourite parts- and you tell me that you are going to grow up to be a lot of different things, and you will be a crocdile hunter too.
And you will have a zoo.
Oh, that sounds great, i will live with you then.
You nod, and tell me your zoo will be near the beach. But when you are big, and strong - like that man who is Steve, like Steve from blues clues too... you will be like him. Right now though you are only little. See?
You point at your body and i laugh, but i know how much you've grown and while i marvel at the depth of your reasoning, and the magnitude of your dreams - i am part anxious... of the way the world makes us forget things. While i am excited to see what you will become, i am instinctively seized by a need to want to protect you from disappointments.
I shrug it off.
You tell me your zoo will have lots of animals, but maybe not croc diles because they should go in a beach.
I tell you to sleep. Tomorrow we will learn more.
I don't know what you'll become - but i know, i can record all your dreams - even the seemingly impossible ones.
One day, when the world runs out of magic, and reason shadows imagination, I hope you read back on the ways you used to be, and remember what it felt like
To be small and brave, determined and invincible. Unafraid of impossible, and full of amazing.
Che if you read this too... at this moment you want to be a swimmer.
Tivi- you want to be a teacher.
And i... i want to be like you guys :)
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