confessions

Sometimes, People call me crazy.

And sometimes... i suppose i am a little bit on the strange side.

But... I have to remind myself sometimes... to be myself- 

You gotta realise peeps that sometimes... crazy isn't easy.

An old school friend asked me to take photos of her Daughters 4th Birthday.

I hesitate.

I say yes, while a voice in the back of my mind, says noooo no no no, what are you doing? why why? You don't take photos professionally. You will stuff it up.

This year, i promised myself, that i would say yes, before i allowed myself to listen to that voice.

You can freak out Vien, but you can't BACK out... 

This is an entirely new process.

So yesterday, i was watching the rain pouring down... freaking out that indoor photos are never as great out outdoors in natural light. I can't control this weather.

I am not familiar enough with the camera i borrowed, because my camera... is not good enough.

I half anxiously play with the settings last night, testing it on light i'm never great at. Indoors, low light... no flash. I hate flash. I wish i could take shiney photos... but i'm better at noise.

Who knows what i'm better at.

Just coz you take a million photos- doesn't make you a photographer.

I open my eyes this morning to blue skies, to sunshine.

Perfect for a 4th birthday. Perfect for photographs of childhood.

Half my work is done for me.

Why am i still freaking out?

I know some things about myself, that other people don't/might not.

For example:

I don't think i'm any better than anyone else at what i do, Yes i take photos, but i've seen much much better photos than mine. Hence i'm not a photographer. I Just like to to take photos. Same goes for everything else; such as i'm not a great mother- there are awesome mothers out there- i just happen to be in this field and do what i can. Haha...

I am better in text than i am in person. I'm not great with actually having conversations... this is partly because i spent many years at home with little people, but it is mostly because - i can't do small talk. If i ask you how you are and how you've been. "Good" is an end game. I will not ask you any more questions if you respond with generic answers. It's just a waste of time and energy. I know this is a bit rude. I feel bad about it.

I feel bad about a lot of things. I feel bad that i sometimes come across as outgoing, when really i'm mostly not. That my words onscreen and my real like presence- sometimes (often) don't match. 

I'm sunshiney on facebook, and awkward in reality.

I am riddled with self doubt. And full of angst about details. (ask my husband). I seem fun and carefree... but in the background... i'm always choking on the details.

I am not always positive. I don't think i'm awesome. And i'm always afraid people will see through me.

I don't like talking on the phone.

I don't like buying bread from the bakery. 

When i leave the house, the dialogue in my head mostly consists of reminding myself to breathe. Let go. It'll all be okay.

I saw this online this morning:

I remind myself, that i asked for this opportunity.

I asked to be shown the way.

Now it's time to relax. And do what i love.

Yes Vien, you love this.

Now shhh... and do it.


Breathe.