Finding peace

I officially start the real part of my job on Tuesday.

I get to work with the parents of the program.

I like and dislike the position at the same time for exactly two sides of the same reasons.

I don't like to deal with parents.

Because i don't like to deal with parents, this job is the THE perfect job to get me to push past that in my head. Remove the mindset. Break free of it.

I don't like having to keep track of things.

I have 14 families that i am supposed to be working with,

I have to keep track of where we're up to, what they tell me, and... all their names, i have to be organised and ready for each visit.

I have to visit people.

I have to make phone calls.

I dislike all these things, and the fact that i do... makes me excited because... well it forces me to get over it.

The big roadblocks in my life... i need to just get over them.

I have to train myself to pay attention. Daily i remind myself that this is what i asked for.

I realise that Jacie and i will lose our time together, that the house will be messy some days. That i need to organise dinners. That i will feel guilty for being away.

Nothing great never came from easy.

But like my new friend Glennon says: 'We can do hard things.'

So the messages i get lately are the same ones i always get- keep going, do the best you can on any given day at any given time... and forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself and forgive others. They're doing the best they can too.

So i try to find peace. By forgiving.

I try to apologise for the things i do wrong. Try to remind myself to do better.

My headspaces are sometimes empty, a survival mechanism that activates when i'm a little overwhelmed with the world. This year though, this time though- i recognise the patterns and i force myself past them.

Everyday they remind me that i'm no longer who i used to be.

I'm Che's best mum, i'm a favourite part of the day, i'm the comfort and the keeper of all the smiles and the tears and the toys and the hugs.

Today i went to bed and read. I woke up earlier than i should have, told Zane i had so much to do- he hugged me and told me to tell him all the things i had to do. I started a rant and lost my train of thought. We went out to take Tivi to school- walked around the shops.

I got home and told Zane i will go to bed and read and sleep. I ignored the couch covered in laundry. The dishes at the sink.

I finished Carry on, Warrior in my bedroom - reading in the afternoon sun of an absolutely perfect Autumn day.

Seeing parts of myself in the words - listening to the boys outside.

Loving the sounds of their 'Dad, can you help?' and the long explanations to why they couldn't pass the levels on the game they were playing.

I tell myself to stop talking so much about things, to stop thinking so much about things. To enjoy the moments. To just listen and be there.

'Keep showing up.'