and she's so beautiful right then i almost grab my camera.
She says 'I shouldn't have told you.'
I tell her i'd find out anyway, her teacher would tell me eventually.
We talk about responsibility. About choices. About blame and where it stops.
It always stops with you sweetheart. Your choices are yours, and if you make good choices and you're treated unfairly- you know i'd always have your back. It's hard for me to defend you if you haven't done the right thing.
You get mad at me too!
I'm not mad at you. I'm frustrated now, because you're not talking to me. I'm just going to ask you some questions. Just yes or no.
Did you make good choices?
No.
Do you think you could have made better choices?
Yes.
Do you think that your friends and your teacher had good reasons to be upset with you?
......... Yes.
Will you make better choices next time?
I don't know. Maybe it'll be a bad day. I thought it would be a good day but it turned into a bad day. People yelled at me and made me sad. There's always bad days.
She cries some more.
I half sigh and half laugh, and tell her of course there will be bad days, and... there will be awesome days.
Her voice is whining when it mutters something about everyday being a bad day.
I tell her, i will share a secret with you. One that i haven't told your brothers.
She avoids looking at me, but her head is up, those eyes and that hair just over them.
My camera is so close. She's a perfect picture.
You know i've had bad days right? You've seen them, you've heard me yell and rant and cry. Sometimes i have bad days all in a row. And i have no idea when the next good day will be. I make a choice though, I choose to wake up and check it out. Could be another bad day, or it could be that amazing one. I choose to find out.
She's silent and sniffling.
I knew someone, who had a whole lotta bad days all at once. She was having a bad week, a bad month even, lots of bad days. She was just having a bad time.
She made a choice. She chose not to have any more days.
She thought, my life is so bad and so sad and that is all it ever will be... and in that one moment she made a choice she couldn't take back. She died. And she didn't have any more bad days, but she didn't have any more good ones either.
Who was she?
She was my mum.
How did she die?
She killed herself, she took lots of medicine. She pretty much poisoned herself.
Her eyes are big.
She made a choice, and you know what the saddest thing about it is?
What?
She missed out. She missed out on meeting you, and Che and Jacie and Stella and Nathan and Kynan. She missed out on all you kids and man, she would have LOVED you all. She would have had the best times with you. Good days and more good days.
She hugs me.
Tiv, you'll have bad days. I do all the time... on bad days i remind myself of all the awesome things i do have, and you three, well you're always first on that list - i remind myself of what i'd miss out on if i didn't choose to try again the next day.
When my mum died, i could have chosen to be sad then because you know when your mum dies, (and she was a really good mum)- when your she dies, it's pretty much a really really bad day, the days after that were pretty sucky too.
But- i didn't think they'd always be like that, so i kept waking up to bad days choosing to see past them- then one day- one day it was beyond awesome.
One day- i had you. Then i had Che, then i had Jace. But you were the first one.
She's half smiling half hugging my head, quiet and thoughtful.
Sometimes things are hard.
It's harder to say sorry to your friends and take responsibility for your choices, than it is to move tables and blame bad days...
But sometimes, all you have to say is- i'm sorry, i was having a bad day- i didn't really mean to do that, can we start over, how can i help?
She's smiling and squeals as i squeeze her.
I do it with you guys all the time. I know how hard it is.
I don't really care what you did or said Tiv, but i care that you feel sad. Do you think it might have been because you made a bad choice that people got mad at you?
Yes.
Okay, so it was because of a choice YOU made, that you ended up feeling sad? Next time you consider it and then... you choose better right?
ugh.
Haha, baby girl- you know what i've learned about bad days? Bad days are sometimes just bad choices. And YOU can choose to change them.Some times it's hard. But You Can do hard. So learn to say sorry instead of saying 'but it was because'- be responsible for Your choices, let everyone else make theirs. Choose good days.
I have to do it too. We'll do it together. OKAY?
She grunts, hugs me again and then runs off to play.
Exhale.
If they gave out medals for winging it through parenthood.
Surely i'd be getting a prize.
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