But you didn't and now i'm faced with the biggest terror of my life, knowing i am enough even at my worst for you to love me all of your life." The Rabbit Box
Happy Anniversary i say as i hand him a grey bag from Coles.
What? What's this?
He pulls out the face wash, the deodorant, the razor from the bag.
This is what romance has become. Random toiletries i pick up when i go to get milk and all the things we've run out of.
Haha, every year, the anniversary is a weird one.
This year, i am out of sorts and after an outburst of tears and burned lunches, he stays and works from home so he can finish the breakfasts and pack the lunches and take the kids to school- to do all the things i can't seem to cope with today.
Every year, that day seems to get harder. I don't know why. He probably doesn't either. But he makes me my coffee, pulls me off the ground and Hugs me anyway.
I feel a bit silly but mostly grateful.
I remember the strangeness of opening my eyes in his room that morning. My world was different. He wasn't even there. He had left some time between the hours that i had lay there silently and whenever it is i had fallen asleep in his bed. He had gone to work. And there i was. Somewhere new.
I call it our anniversary because that is where WE began, as a 'we', before that, it was just a hypothetical. He was the first person i called, the only person i wanted to talk to as i walked away from the hospital that night after they came out to say, she'd gone, there was nothing they could do.
He was also the reason i had been late coming home, Why i had stayed back after my shift was over, just hanging out. Mucking around. Avoiding home.
All the blurry memories of what was and what could have been... i've been through all that before... what i haven't really talked about is,
When i turned up at his house, he didn't know what to say or do.
He and Dave tried to entertain me with stories and drawings and when Dave left, He just quietly sat with me.
I don't remember what he said. I don't remember saying anything. I remember he put his arm around me, and a soft kiss just before i fell asleep.
I'd never woken up in the morning at a boys house before, i wasn't sure what to do so I sat in his computer chair for a while, in the sunshine by the window, then text him to say thank you. To tell him i should go home.
When he stole coffee from work that afternoon, because he didn't have any at home for me.
The following weeks where his place became the place i went to whenever things got too much. Sometimes he was there, sometimes he wasn't. He just left it open so i could come and go whenever i needed.
I remember these messages that said "Thinking of you.' And nothing else... i always thought was a waste of a message. What were you thinking? What about me? Haha...
But he was quiet. I was quiet.
Ten years ago and everything in between and that was the night i knew.
He was where i needed to be.
Lately i question his silences, i question lots of things. I demand and i push and i question... then i come across that quote and i think maybe it's a little bit true... maybe i am more scared that he thinks i'm worth all of it, than i am of him having had enough of my difficult ways.
He never says Happy Anniversary but he gives me coffee, wraps his arms around me, gives me a soft kiss, and when he leaves to take the kids to school... I sit in his computer chair, in the sunshine by the window. This time i don't text him.
This time.. He Is home.
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