All of the stories

I could tell you about the days that have been, but for some things there are no words.

I mean to tell you of the extraordinary things that i have seen but time takes these moments from me, washes it down in a thousand things that need to be done. Faded colours i look back at, unsure if they were real.

I stare absently at screens and find myself restless once again.

The need to escape always finds me, tugs away at my insides like a persistent toddler, intent on getting its way.

I'm not so much tired but i am lost. I try to see what is in front of me but my mind drifts.

At night i alternate between exhaustion and panic.

I ask Zane to sit with me and he is bewildered always by the urgency of my pleas, I don't understand he says. Where does this come from, i thought we were okay.

We are okay.

And Okay is a travesty.

Over the past few weeks i have been witness to these things i cannot even begin to explain.

These moments where lives have been irrevocably changed. Where i have held my breath, held my tongue, choked at the sound of my own voice, because nothing i say makes sense here.

I drove them home from the hospital, the sun and heat was obscene, the sound of peoples voices and the looks on their faces oblivious to the fact that the world had ended for some today. The world was tainted and torn and would never be the same, I don't know how they are standing. I cannot do anything but follow, .

Over the weeks to come these moments would become part of a reality so surreal i can't process them.

So i keep busy.

We gather and plan and do and keep moving. All the millions of details, we are held together only by the need to get things done, and in the silences between we feel their sorrow and their shock and that void where all things fail. We know that these silences will break us, so we keep moving.