BALLS!

I wrote last night- a long blog about Art and stuff but Zane broke the internet and i lost half of it- so we'll come back to that later.

Tonight i want to talk about Motherhood. How i never was one of those girls who dream about families - weddings or what i'd call/dress/do with my kids when i had them.

I never thought about having them. Period. I never ruled them out completely but i never planned them. Funny thing about not having plans, and never thinking - Period.

Here i am with Three. And most days motherhood is an uphill battle, a real kick in the head for me.

I'll change motherhood to parenthood... coz i know there are dads who have my position and mums who don't....

When i found out i was pregnant the first time - i didn't quite take it seriously . I thought yeah okay- it'll be alrite. Haha- there were days and nights with Tivi after she came out purple and ripping half my insides with her- where i would sit in tears... absolutely exhausted, lost and confused.

How on earth was i supposed to know what to do with a child that screamed like a possessed demon night after night. She messed with my head. And cemented that ever present doubt that i -  being me- wasn't cut out for this gig.

Plagued by doubt, insecurity, deep dark despair... and the knowledge that I HAD to... Whether i wanted to or not- continue with it- on we ploughed... and multiply they did.

Lately i feel my spaces infested by kids- mine and others that require a home between working hours. All this responsibility compounding, piling, rolling itself into an avalanche of Holy fuck i don't know how to do this shit insanity.

I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I felt resentful. I felt Tired. Really really tired.

I always thought i was an optimistic person. Then i read my facebook statuses- haha and i can see why people mistake me for a whinger. Often i joke. But my sarcasm lately has been less jovial and more doom and gloom like.

I see myself complaining a lot. Much of this complaining was due to the fact that half of me always felt- i never signed up for this. Now here i am- housewife, mother... consumed by domestic drudgery. Watching my friends travel, their lives free and inspired... yet another perk of Facebook.

I've watched myself lately sink deeper and deeper into self pity... and enough. Is Enough.

And on that note, i'd like to show you something...

These, are my Balls. They're sweet, dense and made of a mixture of chocolate and vanilla cake and frosting. And i have lots of them.


This- is an open letter...

Dear Parenthood.

I know you think you're better than me. I know you look down on me like a white girl trying to crump, lock and pop at a black hip hop club. I know you diss me all the time.

I know i've let you. I know i've stood there n just taken it. Knock after knock blow after blow.

You thought you had won didn't you?

Thought you could finish me off with a FIVE KIDS AT DINNER TIME and a shitload to do for tomorrow attack combo. You thought i was a goner. I saw the Yo Mumma jokes you have lined up.

Well let me just say... SCREW YOU. Consider this my answer to your challenge.

Stepping up and bringing it mutha fugger!

Vien Styles.

It's Tivi's first ever Easter picnic at school. It's the end of her first ever school term. It's Che, Jc and Stellas playgroup Easter party.

It's been a long week.
I'm exhausted.

I hate baking.

I did it.

Not because i had to.
Not because i even Wanted to....

But just because - I CAN!

IN YOUR FACE parenthood. You can EAT MY BALLS coz Ain't nothin gonna break my stride, nobody gonna hold me down Oh no... haha

lol I'd like to end on a Quote from the lovely goddess of mayhem- Miss Tivianh D

'Mum you're awesome'.

F'n Oath i am!
RECOGNISE!

Consider yourself SERVEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD.

haha... love and thanks and to all a good uhh morning.