Well, I actually have two- the man who gave it/them to me, whose exact words were 'A boy and a girl' - made me giggle at the thought that he was referring to the magnets genders- although he was referring to the faces of two children smiling out from each. A girl and a boy.
The man, who was a good metre taller than me, blonde and smiling with an English accent and a name i never caught... continued to assure me, that TODAY, i had done an amazing thing.
I shook the mans hand, he laughed at my uncertainty, patted my back and looked down at the pram waving goodbye - i watched Jacien smile up at him and grinned a small grin as we walked away.
...Everyone tells me not to do it- not to stop and talk to them. Not to make eye contact. Just keep walking. And i- never do. I always look up just at the moment they are smiling at me. I always smile back because, of all the contagious conditions there are - to me, a smile is the worst.
And so it begins, when they show me the horrors outside of my four walls and endless complaints, I'm mumbling objections wincing at my heartless intentional ignorance all these days. So he continues with the photographs, the descriptions, shows me a bottle of dirt filled liquid- the colour of obscene injustice that occurs daily outside of laundry, dishes, lunches and domestic insanity- the greater world with all its heartbreak... the faces of children, easteregg-less, hungry and alone.
I start to protest, weakly that i can't afford it. And guiltily glance at the shopping bag of cupcake mix that surely these fully clothed, housed and excessively fed to the point of refusal- children, do not need any more of.
Blonde Smiles continues - his soothing English accent spins the terrible images around, telling me from his archangel distance above my head that - this doesn't have to be so- that i too can change the world and make it good again. He is optimistic, reminding me that i have been wanting a new focus. Reminding me that now was a good time to start.
I curse the universe goodnaturedly for delivering the things I've been asking for. I can choose to ignore it. Or embrace it and begin to reclaim the freedom i keep wailing I've lost.
Day to day and facebook status to facebook status- I've lamented the situations- the exhaustion of parental responsibility... the intellectual void that accompanies it.
I forget to say out loud- or type out loud... all the between things- the moments and memories that are for want of better word... Amazing.
I ask for freedom and confine myself within the walls of expectation. Self inflicted and insane.
I told Zane that i wanted to get a new camera lens, to replace the ones that are broken- and to refocus myself on the things that are beautiful. The minutes i can freeze frame and remember always in still-life.
I told Zane that i needed to write again. To see again in a light outside of this space. To search for the elusive happiness that as a quiet kid i found in everyone elses sentences- In novels devoured daily, images inspired and extraordinary, people brilliant and true.
Yesterday my sister left a camera on the table... not mine but a borrowed lens is better than none. And then the shops where i went to fill in spaces... where the inability to walk past and ignore a smile and hello... led me to here.
He is right. They are right. TODAY i made someone happy. Today i made ME happy.
Walking away with a signed copy of a piece of paper, promising I'll help change just ONE strangers life... i remember what essentially i know I'll never give up- the belief that freedom is obtainable... freedom from all things heavy, expectation, ignorance, 'ugly truths', dismal thoughts.
For me, freedom and happiness are one in the same, for years i struggled with the physics of constraint... and over the weekend, in front of a tombstone from which i was born- i read a message inscribed on a bracelet that was worn as a bargain... 'There is no way to peace, Peace IS the way'. ( Khazar to wisdom Ala Vinnies accessories.)
True to these things, there is no way to freedom or happiness. It IS the way.
So to share the things that always remind me, that happiness is a choice and not a goal, a perfect moment and not a permanent position- this is Project Gratitude...
Welcome to my happy place, filled with the things that TODAY made me glad.... That everyday, remind me of how extremely, immensely and utterly lucky i am- and how underneath all the complaints that slip my tongue and tickle my keyboard- I'll never be able to give up the hope that things are changeable. That life will always be centered with gooey goodness.
This is where I'll stop watching and join the parade. Donn on my Sunday best and make merry.
Be the change i want to see in the world.
It's a start.
Oh and Husband if you're reading this, we are now proud sponsors of a mystery child. Yes, a fourth- like you've always wanted, and because you love me, you'll know that yes we can afford this- and that, for my happiness no price is too high.
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