Dads efforts(?)/work is like the tallest mountain (in Vietnam)
SO because its fathers day-
I feel like i should write a post about dads, and when it comes to gratitude- i am overflowing with it for my dad. People say that their dads are their heroes. That cliche doesn't seem to fit right with me. That's not to say he hasn't done a lot for us- coz i don't know where we'd be without him.
I never really write about dad, and i'm not sure why. Our relationship was never complex to me. For years i felt like i didn't know him very well. As a kid i can't remember what i was like with dad, i remember he took me on long drives when he had stock to get or people to meet- to Newcastle, to Goulburn to places where i never remember talking- just watching him talk to people from the car. Sometimes those people would give me toys. That's probably why i agreed to such trips- but then again- i enjoyed quiet as a kid and liked the silences around dad. Dad did what he had to do- and for what he had to show for it he did it well- but often at the expense of his relationships at home.
I remember there was a point in my teens, where insomnia and the awareness of all things wrong with the world became- overwhelming and i spent many panicked nights wondering how i would ever be able to do anything to change this- and if i could not- what WAS the purpose of existing just to exist? Haha i has a lot of time on my hands back then.
Dad was always working, mum was always annoyed at the state of the house, or sad- or conflicted because she was filled with memories she never made peace with. Dad was the one everyone was afraid of- the kids- the aunties- the uncles. He was The Authority and mum- she had a will of her own- which meant they argued all the time. But there was never really any doubt they loved each other - and more so they loved us.
I've always known my dad wasn't as hard as he made himself out to be. I always knew he worked hard because that was his way of showing us he cared- providing was his job. And he did it damn well. We came to Australia with nothing and he came from privilege to poverty with only 5 kids and a sense of self- pride i've never seen in anyone else i know.
He built every thing we have- on this need to prove that he could. His achievements are amazing. As an adult now- i can't wrap my head around how he did those things without speaking the language or knowing the land. We think we have it hard - but we have the advantages of education and GPS.
Haha Anyway- out of the haze of troubled teen angst - i One day kissed dad and hugged him before i went out. And i know he was surprised - i know there was a big gap in the years where i hardly spoke to or saw him. Not for any reason in particular- just because at home- i kept my distance from everyone, watching as i did for years- and feeling sad for all the misunderstandings and the things no one said- the things that instead, they tried to make up for it with other gestures.
Our family was traditional. Old school asian.
Dad was the head of it all. I felt bad for him most times. He didn't know how to act except the way everyone saw him- there's so much pressure in being a parent. I know mums side well because i spent much of my life at home with her. Dads i made up as i got older.
For all their arguments, the fights - the fear... they were individually astounding people- who before they got married and became parents- were figuring things out like everyone else. Parenthood puts a responsibility on people- they are often unprepared for. They married young as they did back in those days. And they never got to do all the things you should do before you become the keeper of others spirits.
I could talk about these things for a long time- because one memory brings on another- and writing about my parents is like unravelling DNA strands- beyond my expertise and likely to be mostly guess work.
After mums death- dad held on to that person he was- He told me the morning when i came home the day after she died- that he knew i blamed him. I was genuinely surprised and told him i blamed no one. The months that followed i'm sure i was frustrated when he stayed the same- trying to adhere to the rules of a really judgemental misconstrued community. All about face and pride.
I dunno exactly when that changed, but change he did. Dad is now everything to us. He puts himself in the roles he thinks he owes to us through the gaps left by mum. He tries to be both of them in her absence despite our protests.
But the biggest and best thing is that he no longer cares what they think of him. His pride now is not in what he has achieved financially because he proved a long time ago he was capable of brilliant things in business and with money. His pride is not in proving anything to anyone...
I see it in him now- when he smiles at the kids who run up to him and show him their latest treasures, his headshakes when he see's me pile a car-full of children in to start our days, or a table full of bowls and little heads at dinnertime.
He sees the things she always wanted him to see, makes the time to appreciate them with us, replaces the values he used to have with ones that fit him better. He still works too hard... still worries too much. But he laughs more, he talks more... and together we close the gaps of the years. And i hope he knows that he is incredible.
He is not my hero - probably because i think heroes save people- and i never needed to be saved... but he is one of the most capable, brilliant, persistent, hardworking, resilient, generous and kind people i know. And i know he is afraid - like all parents are- of all the things he has done wrong.
But they are by far outweighed by the things he has done right.
To him i owe much, of what we have and of who i am. One of the many reasons why he will always be of the best people i know... and i wish he would be kinder to himself. But we will keep working on it...
In the end i know this is true- his efforts and work by far exceed the highest mountain in Vietnam. Haha old Vietnamese poems that continue on to say you should 'worship?' your mum and 'heed' your dad makes me laugh at the unfairness of it all. Dads provide stuff, mums provide love... that was always the gist of things but that's silly, most of the time his advice is unworkable especially when it comes to kids and to heed such advice would be my downfall haha- so instead of reverence for your hard work and efforts my dad, i offer you love instead. You amaze me as a person and i'm honoured to have you as a father.
Thank you!
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I didn't spend fathers day with dad this year- because i spent it with Their dad- so that was a tribute.
Our day was filled with sunshine and laughter and jumping castles and Red Lea chips.
And all the kids said their favourite was the Moon 'Fiesta' as Tivi calls it, and the Cars bouncing castle slide.
Zane said his favourite was waking up to presents from the kids.
My favourite part was watching them all- celebrate fathers day and experience the half of their culture that i fear is gradually slipping away. I love that Tivi loves wearing Ao Dai. And that they love Cabramatta Red Lea Chips like real locals.
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