I had random snippits of to write about tonight but then i just kinda got distracted by lotsa other thoughts and things that drew my attention away from here.
I tried not to use the camera/phone today so that i could just remember the good things and maybe write them instead of just show them... but my mind is full of other things right now.
So there are photos and videos and the small things i want to say about them and today before i forget.
Jacie and i went shopping after we dropped the kids off at childcare, because i'm feeling restless and reckless and like to buy silly things to satisfy a desire for something More... i guess this is my version of retail therapy. Not to be confused with Vinnies idea of.
Che when he was born, looked terrified- surprised and scared of everything around him. I remember holding him when he was still that weird purple they are when they've just come out- haha and he looked up at me and i laughed and said to Zane, he looks so scared of us! haha poor thing- i'd be scared too.
When i saw the band that said courage, i thought of that moment and all the moments since, when i've seen Che hesitate, when he shys away from people, and situations and when he stands there looking crushed and confused when he's being picked on by kids just being kids.
SO i gave them to him, and he took the yellow of course, just because it's yellow... when i told him the green was for him too, it was - courage and would make him brave. He looked at it with big curious eyes, and put it on. He kept asking me to tell him what it said again, and it would make him brave right? Haha and i kept saying yes, and he said- then i can swim and i won't be scared yeah mum? And i remembered last weekend at Daves how he sat beside the pool for ages and had to be coaxed onto the floating bedthingo.
'Courage', i say to him - in my best Mum knows everything voice - 'Is being a little bit scared but doing it anyway Che. Now that you have it, you can be brave enough to try.'
And he nods and says 'yeah, i am brave.'
I smile and hope i know what i'm talking about. And then yell at them to eat.
Haha- For Tivi i bought pretty things- lots of them because she loves pretty things.
Her face lit up when she saw the Tin, she said 'Thank you awesome mum!' I know these kids have so much already, but sometimes- just because we can, i like to see them be excited about silly little things we usually say No to.
...Sorry i yelled at you so much at one point during dinner princess. I'll try to stop letting the little things get to me. It's only time. We got plenty of it. Thanks for being so pretty... flowers look nice on you.
Jacie got a colouring in book and a matchbox motorbike that matches with his aeroplane. And a WWF panda shirt. Coz we like pandas and charities. His smile is so bright it lights up my days.
I put on a floral headband and danced for the kids while they had dinner, Jacien laughed hysterically then joined in- one of the best parts of my day was picking him up and as i spun him around- he sang - it's a beautifullll nigggggggghhhht- we look sdhfdj to doooo... (hehehe he mumbles the lil bits he doesnt know the words to). But he pressed his head against mine and we danced to his beautiful singing, while Kynan, Che and Tivi laughed at the table.
Then he wanted to do a solo.... Luckily Zane came home and i grabbed his phone/camera. This is how that went.... haha he ASKED to be put in that skirt by the way.
Hehe, i had a brilliant day... that started off with Zane's blog... i love the fact that it didn't take much for him to get involved in this. I can see his default face kinda changing as the days go on. I know i've been mean to him in the past, i used to yell that i was frustrated - and he was my partner and it was HIS JOB to listen to me... and anyway it was HIS fault that i had turned into this person in the first place! (shhh i know- i can be a meanie guy too.)
Sometimes i play back the clips in my head and i cringe because i am nastier than i mean to be. I often complained that it was his fault i had kids and turned into a disgruntled mother and i used to be nice before i had to be the only grown up in the house. Haha ... but i know it wasnt him, it was me.. i made choices that i couldn't unmake and i wasnt used to sticking it out. Now, i'm trying to undo the shitty bits, and re-do it how it should be done. Sharing the good bits, putting what matters most first, and seeing the annoyances of being an adult- as just a small tradeoff for all the awesomeness i get to witness every day.
Thank you Zane/dad/dude/bro/mate/husbandman... haha i could never picture myself doing or being this, but with you- i AM doing it... and it feels strangely like it's meant to be. Thanks for putting up with me, for never getting extremely angry. For laughing still when i am silly which is often i know- and for knowing i never mean the things i scream.
I'll write properly another time coz i need to get to sleep before its time to get up.
sorry about the randomness, it is what it is and...
what ever will be will be.
My favourite part of today:
The futures not ours to see, but it's ours to BE. Night everyone. May you grow TALL! may you be Handsome or Pritty or a lil bit of both. Or just enjoy it for what it is. *licks n dribbles.
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