Today i went to smh.com.au... i do this sometimes to see what makes the headlines. I watched One Video, read One article. Closed the browser, took a breath and walked away from the screen.
I went to cook dinner for the kids, Kissed Jacie when he woke up, hugged Tivi as she walked through the door and talked to her about her day for a while. Van picked up Che and Kynan (and Stella) from childcare and when they got home, i prepared what was left to do of dinner, dished, sat them down and we talked about Favourite parts of our days.
Jacie surprised me with his first real answer to this question- instead of his usual 'Macqueen Car' he said Shopping! Go out with Mum. And nodded matter of factly.
(We went to Coles after dropping the kids off at childcare, Jacie and I - and with him in the trolley- the conversation through the supermarket went like this 'you're funny Jacie' 'NOoooo, i not funny mum, YOU funny mum.' Haha - yes thats all we said back and forth for a good half hour, and to be honest it was one of the best parts of my day too.)
Che saw a wall mounted Car ramp in the new target catalogue and is now asleep with that catalogue under his pillow. His favourite part of his day, was discovering this wonderful contraption and he asked everyone if he could have it for his birthday (which is in January).
Tivi's favourite part was drawing in the library - drawing a picture for Mrs Lang and Mrs. Hoven while waiting for her Aunty Van at the staff meeting. She loves the fact that she gets to go to staff meetings. One of the many perks of having an Aunty at your school.
Kynan grinned a happy grin at me and said YES! When asked about his favourite part and i suppose it is a good day when favourite parts are met with such enthusiasm.
When Zane got home i had just finished up, ran the baths (for those unfamiliar with the bathing arrangements here, we don't have an actual BATH persay - but two of the plastic baby baths crammed into the sizable shower- hahaha... we fill 2 baby baths and they play in them, while they are washed in turn- bathtime is as communal here as dinnertime is) - anyway and as Zane came in i had started clearing the dishes.
As per usual i tag him to do the baths, its his nightime thing with the kids, bath, teeth, books and bed. But because we're running early, the baths somehow become staggered tonight and i've finished my nightly rituals of dishes, floors and toy tidying before they have been cleansed so i help with the drying and dressing of kids.
Kynan is the last out of the bath, and as i walk in to get him Zane sighs as i mutter something of a complaint about mismatched PJ's and leans over the shower door, to tell me- 'Hey, i need you to change my mood, i saw something today that really upset me.'
I stopped, looked up at him - and knew what he was talking about. 'The little girl? In China? That got ran over?'
And i picked up the clothes off the shower floor, as he started saying 'Twice! She got hit twice!' and as he stammered disbelief... i put the clothes into the washing machine. Came back and got Kynan wrapped him in a towel and said something to Zane along the lines of, 'That is exactly why we need to change things. You can't let it make you sad. Get angry.'
'I am. i'm furious!'
"Use it to change things. We have to use that energy to change things.'
'It's not enough!'
"We can't say that, that kinda thinking is why these things continue to happen. Something needs to change and we start with the things we can do'
It's probably not the exact words, but something like it. I would normally have something more to say about it.
But... my mind is at a strange place, where i know its making its way towards something, steering me somewhere that i can't quite see or define yet.
I watched this today http://www.smh.com.au/world/a-seriously-ill-society-hitrun-case-of-little-yueyue-shocks-china--and-the-world-20111018-1ltv1.html. Read the words.
And felt just quiet. A quietness as blank as the void where an explanation could exist for such things occuring.
I know bad things happen all the time. Right this moment, right now, somewhere in the world, suffering beyond my comprehension plagues the lives of millions.
The quiet is new, its a space i've made to still the rising panic. An area of emptiness where the weight of all things wrong with the world, is distant from the core of who i am.
I created this space a while back, because the immensity of sorrow, destruction and despair, the capacity for it in this great big mass of uncertainty outside of my everyday existence - it used to overwhelm me with helplessness and guilt. It used to make me scared and- sad so so sad it was suffocating.
For Zane, these things used to make him angry. Angry in an unproductive way. He always told me sporadically that he hated people. They were bad and he trusted no one. (except for his family and a few chosen friends).
It's hard for me to give up the fundamental idealism that people (most people) are inherently good and kind. For me, people are at the center of meaning- without people there is no point.
... now that there are kids, My kids... watching and waiting for me to show them how to react and behave amongst this shared space... i alternate between finding the world limitlessly full of possibility and incredibly frightening.
A lot of people have asked me why i started this, because i was tired- of hearing myself whine about chores and motherhood, because i was sick of complaining all the time. I didn't want to hear it anymore..
Because something inside me snapped and said- if you won't change it, then you fucking deserve it. I always believed i was capable of a lot more than what i was doing, and yet i never tried to do it.
Cat took me to the 'introductory' meeting for a forum which is essentially an aid to empowering people to get what they wanted out of life. ANd in this introduction i was asked to define what i wanted to be/what i would be if i didn't have any limits.
I wrote, 'i want to be inspired, and inspiring.'
And i left that day, thinking you know what, complaints never inspired anyone.
So i started this to change myself. The way i feel, and therefore the way i act. I wanted to change the way i was, first and foremost with the kids, see them not as work which i often did- but as these amazing gifts- the freedom i always searched for- encased in them, untouchable at least in these early years. And that fear, that comes with being a parent, that sometimes crushed me and questioned my every ability- i wanted to use it in a more productive way... i feared for them because they are precious to me.
Now i know that it shouldn't be fear but about strength. I shouldn't fear for them, but fight for them.
Show them that change, is possible. The world might be terrifying, but one person. One action. One moment- ANd what you do within it, can make all the difference.
It took 7 minutes, before someone did something to change the way things were.
7 agonising minutes, where we would all sit in our homes, in front of our Televisions and computers, watch and hold our breaths in disbelief, because we are confronted, by the things that happen everyday. Indifference. Apathy. Appalling, sickening inaction.
And in the quiet, i refuse to cry for longer than a moment, for all the madness that surrounds us. I feel heavy, but instead of crumbling - i put the fear behind me, beneath me. And grow above it.
I tell Zane to channel the energy behind his anger, into a thought of change, and think of how we will put this change to action.
The reality is that bad shit happens all the time. The question is, what will we do about it.
If not for ourselves. Then for them.
Ghandi's ever popular quote, 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' talks of courage.
And his lesser quoted
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." - talks of strength that only comes from knowing exactly where you stand and standing til all else falls around you. At this point, i'm still finding my footing.
I didn't want to blog tonight because i didn't know what i could possibly say in the light of such tragedy - but i guess the first thing to do is not to ignore... not to forget. The things that might break us, are the things that will change us.
And if we come out of these experiences just a tiny bit braver, stronger and better resolved, we should be thankful - because the next hit, might be all it takes to bring us to a point, where enough is enough, and we fight back.
... then, we might just win.
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