Fear is a friend

who's misunderstood.

I don't know what i've been doing- procrastinating- dragging my feet a little... maybe quietly contemplating what exactly it is that i'm trying to achieve here.

Clarity... haha its harder than you think- to define what it is you're trying to do.

Something holds me back, and yes i kinda know what it is, but part of me just doesn't wanna let it go. I fear. I fear judgement... thats pretty much the core of it.

I fear being judged by people, sometimes i am defensive, sometimes defiant, sometimes offended... it all comes from the fear that i look stupid, or am wrong. Maybe i'm both wrong, and stupid!! *gaspses!* the horror.

John Mayers, Heart of life - the line that always stands out, Fear is a friend who's misunderstood. ( i know the heart, of life is good)... it holds the key for me.

I just gotta open the door. It's damn hard though - admitting these things.

I started a mini confession trail with Zane. I was watching Oprahs Lifeclass when he came home, ironing, packing- kinda in a zone- with the kids entertaining themselves and Jacie sick and lathargic having cleaned and stripped the bed of vomit sheets and such already- i was still in a good mood. Oprah was talking in the background and every now and then i'd get bits of it- mixed in between the distractions.

Zane jokingly said oh my god Oprah? or something like that...i said yes, Oprah!

He said yeah yeah, i don't know why people give her shit all the time -

haha we've had this talk before about Oprah and how Zane thought she was so pro Black and pro women, and what about the rest of the world and why wasn't she doing more spending so much on a house for herself? Haha we talked about how he was a hater, and how would he know what she does and doesn't do... and if she worked that hard, she was entitled to spend her money whichever way she saw fit.

See i do this with Zane, i defend Oprah- but out in public i'm a lil ashamed of it- i mean a housewife- who likes Oprah? Hahaha - not me?! Haha i don't watch Oprah the show much- but i do like Oprah - the person. The ideas of.

I confessed to Zane that  in primary school we had to write down who inspired us, and why- and i wrote Oprah Winfrey- because she achieved so much despite her circumstances. Haha and for years after that i was seriously a little ashamed, because i thought- oh man, i should have wrote someone more intellectual- Dickens, DaVinci... Ghandi even-  seriously Oprah? Why did i write that??

Haha... gosh- poor Oprah- my secret shame for so many years.... you know what though - i'm putting it out there now- I like Oprah! Yeah Mr Ward! She still inspires me! so what?! Haha She's gone so far, and been subject to of all sorts of criticism and slack- and she's still stood there, evolving into this beloved icon for a tremendous amount of people, coz she focused on the love, not the hate.

Another kinda cheesy motivation 'tool' that people make fun of (but secretly love!)- is Anthony Robbins! Ahhh he always made me feel all YEAAAAAAAHHH!! Lets do thissss! all those late night insomnia fueled years... haha - i like watching him now too- and Zane- Zanes very partial to a lil bit of Tony pep talking.

Anyway- so i like these mainstream motivational people- and part of me squirms coz - i don't like the thought of being mainstream! haha - Not me! Not special meeeee!! The truth is-  i do like these things, i am no different to anyone else. No better.

I'm afraid of judgement coz the things I attached to it all- not coz anyone else said anything to me. I need to stop judging myself so harshly.

I always talk fleetingly about ideas i'll share with you later, i dont actually share these ideas coz i'm afraid of judgement! wow, breakthrough right??  Its uncomfortable to me to think i sound stupid. Like the whole inspired by Oprah thing as a sixth grader. I thought - oh gosh - i bet he thought i'd have a good answer to that, but i put down a talk show host!! What did i doooo?? I'm stupid! *horror shame* horrifically horrible shame!!

I remember in year 2, i had a teacher who was tough, but really she was great, she pushed me- allowed me to move out of the classroom when i had read every book in it- let me go to the library and borrow... NOVELS! No pictures, just words. I loved her for it.

She had this chart- it had things on it like 7 days equals One week, 52 weeks equals one year - she would pick people randomly and ask them to recite it.

At my turn, knowing full well i had better mental faculties at that age than most of my peers... i felt confident then...I got stuck at the weeks in a month... and she made me write out 4 weeks equals one month - 20 times in my book. Through the horrifically horrible shame, i thought- no it doesn't! there isn't always 4 weeks exaclty in a month!! This is wrong!! I couldn't say anything though- because i thought- maybe i'm wrong- i might be wrong, i don't wanna look stupid. LOL

So... Tivianh will be starting Karate next year at Viet Quyen Dao with Vinnie, Maddie, Ethyn and the rest of her cousins. She asked if she could and i did ask her if she was willing to give up Ballet. She was. Then somewhere along the way- i thought- i should do it with her.

I keep saying i need to get fit, i keep saying i want more time with her, i keep telling her not to be self-conscious and just try it... and gosh- for all the reasons why i SHOULD do it with her- i've refrained from making a commitment to it because - i'm scared of looking silly- of not wanting to go training- of being a terrible example to my child. Haha how do i teach her persistence, discipline and confidence if i have none myself.

So here goes - i will join her next year. I will join the lil beginner kids and i will  be  start off really really bad at it. I'm no sportswoman. I have no coordination. Haha but i'll do it, coz i tell my kids all the time, that they can do whatever it is they put their minds to, and even if they aren't good at it right off- making mistakes and getting it wrong is how you learn.  I tell my kids a lot of things- but myself- i don't believe it- if i did i'd be out there doing so many different things and not being so afraid of looking silly.

So 2012, i've got big plans for you, and some of them are rough around the edges- but i'll share no matter how silly they are and how they may not be practical or turn out anywhere near my ideals- it doesn't matter. It's a process.

I haven't been sharing any of these posts on facebook, because i think they've gotten real shit. Haha i'm afraid of judgement there too. You know what, it probably doesn't matter at all to anyone whether or not i share these posts...  haha the people who want to read- will read anyway they'll come seeking it for themselves, in the end it only matters to me. I flatter myself to think that anyone wastes time judging my ramblings! Haha so all good- push past it- i need to catch up on all the lost days.

Fear my friend- show me the way. We'll start taking down the barriers together- you show me where you're trapped, and i'll open the doors for you.

Deal? Deal. Shhh.. i'm going through a bipolar stage where i talk to myself a lot. DOn't judge me! haha

So for tonight- Idea ONE: Viet Quyen Dao with Tivianh. Gahhh - haha - thankful for new opportunities- to parent from a side by side partnership rather than from the 'standing over there- safely out of the spotlight- telling them it'll be alrite' uhh - space.

After Vietnam- maybe for next month - i'll bring the focus of this off me and back to them. It's a lot of I this and I that - lately, - and as much as its a journey for me, it's also a record for them... so i'll get a better grasp on direction and we'll do extraordinary things together my pretties.


This is who they were 03.01.2012

She's been begging to sleep in our bed every night coz since the holidays she's gotten used to company. Tivi always liked to be around people all the time... when she was little she never wanted to sleep and would get out of bed every night - every 2 minutes - with every excuse under the stars... haha but if we told her she could lay on the couch while we cleaned up - she would happily sleep on the couch- as long as she was in the same room.

She's so big now, it scares me a little. But at the end of the day She'll always be my baby girl.

Che's been - moody! He throws tantrums where he kicks inanimate objects a lot- and runs off crying a lot. He waits for you to come find him, to talk to him and after a few BUT BUT BUT! he always ends it with a hug and an Okay mum... hehe he's my Che bobo - sweet underneath it all, and always able to see the rational side of situations. Che is reasonable. He see's reason. He'll be four soon. Where have the days gone?

Then there's this one, my cheeky one- the one with the bright smile and the big hugs- right after he's done something questionable. Jacies imagination is always entertaining- today he jumped on a jumping castle, out on the grass with some bubbles. Haha, he's lost all the weight he gained over the last few months in the short space of 3 days of vomit and poop. But he's got his cute smile back, his appetite and his sense of adventure. GOo goo gaaa gaaa my lil baby dinosaur.

Haha, i realised most of the photos of the kids are in their Pj's- its just they are all relaxed and clean a fresh then and its the best time for me to play with my camera. Che's putting on his own clothes now- as you can see- we have tags in the front - seams on the shoulders and had it involved shoes- they would have been on the wrong feet. 

Kids, i don't know how to be a real mum, but its okay right- we'll learn it together as we go. You all show me how, coz all i know is- i want you to all grow up fearless, unstoppable. Extraordinary. Tell me what i have to do to get you there. Show me, i'm listening. I'm ready :)