Gratitude

I named this project after a concept that my head tells me is fleeting and my 'heart' tells me is key.

One moment it's there and i get it, and the next i'm off on another rant about life being so this, that and the other thing.

Haha, so i named it this huge new buzzword, before i even knew it was the latest craze - then i sought out and surrounded myself with things that would remind me. Without even knowing it - i moved the people and resources to me.

So, i'm watching Oprahs Lifeclass (http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/First-Look-Oprahs-Lifeclass-Mastering-the-Art-of-Gratitude-Video) yeah, roll your eyes *pokes em mid roll* haha or smile or smirk. Whatever you want.

And i see my mate, my Coach, Tony Robbins- haha and near the endish - when he does the exercise i think she calls it 'Opening the floodgates'. ANd she says, you have to do it - you can't just watch.

I grimace- haha because i told myself - that i can't read or watch or listen in this search for 'something' without participating, without giving it a go. I can't discount what i haven't tried.

*sighness*

I should have never clicked PLAY.

Haha... so anyway, an exercise in gratitude.

The first moment  when he says to picture a moment of gratitude, feel it, be in it - what did it look like etc etc...

I kinda, backed off a little when the first image that popped up in my head - was this mental picture of Tivianh - the first night that they gave her to me to feed... i wasn't sure what to do with her - so i fed her and then propped her up on my chest - and she slept.

I remember looking down and my breath caught. She was tiny, it's the only time i remember her being so small. Every memory after that... she feels huge.

She was little and her lips were perfectly pinky red and her body felt warm balled up in my arms on my chest. She was beautiful.

It's not the last time that i would catch myself watching her and thinking she must be the prettiest thing in the world right now. ANd there she was entrusted to me.

I realise how little i tell this story - how awkward it feels to acknowledge that moment. I've made a reputation out of slandering motherhood. Slamming birth and the myth that there is an 'It was all worth it moment.'

Haha... gratitude at that frozen memory of her on my chest, the IV tubes dangling off both my arms, the soft light of the hospital bed, the curtains that separated us from a ward full of new life... it felt like an overwhelming sense of excitement mixed with fear, and confusion. How was it me, here holding this little Anne Geddes prop. How did this happen?

She was so tiny and so perfect.

I'm not one of those mothers who dote on newborns. I find them unnerving when they're not boring or exhausting. Haha... so remembering that moment, makes me smile and wince at the same time.

Maybe i am one of those mothers. Maybe i am actually a MOTHER!

Haha... and then the flood...

Random times.

The times i used to take photos of Zane while he was sleeping. How i always thought he had these kind sad eyes.

Che's terrified expression the first time we locked eyes.

The midwife who made me laugh many times throughout my third pregnancy.

My vietnamese school teacher Co Tuyet, who sat me on the stairs and gave me biscuits - and made me feel odd and lovely because for once someone actually noticed me.

The hospice nurse Marie, who was wonderful, kind and firm.

All the people in New zealand. Keith the real estate agent. Zane our first landlord. The librarians at Wellsford library; the sanctuary that was Wellsford library. The little playground at Mcdonalds that made up for all the rain. The green hills, the sheep- Uncle Jimmys quiet assistance. Uncle Kerrys ready smile. Amanda and Martys amazing ability to open up their homes and lives to us. Scottys way of making me forget the issues that surrounded us. Jacks sweetness when he wasn't being a ratbag. Joels general loveliness. Sue and her energy. Barry and the softness behind his stubborn ways. Mike and Brenda's generosity.

My family for all the inbetween the lines.

Margaret who married us. The ladies at the bakery. Doctor Bishop. Janice Gordon. Ngahua (sorry probably spelt that wrong)... the landlords at Maungaturoto for the letter at the end of our stay. Murray and Joey at  Mangwhai (if you ever head there, go see http://www.mangawhaiholidaypark.co.nz/index.html - where we stayed... If you meet Murray- have a drink with him - he's a wonderful man) - the cats that littered our Kiwi adventures. The little people who gave Tivianh friends while she was away from everything she'd previously known.

Gosh - one memory leads to another... and NZ is this special memory that requires more vocabulary than i can give it.

But in the moment so i think of one thing after the other. There is so much still to say.

Moving back though to the exercise. Moments of pride. I struggle a little. Zane giving to someone he didn't know, Tivi helping a boy on the slide who was scared- her face concerned and beautiful. Che running back to help his brother, hugging him and asking if he was okay. Jacie's insights. The sponsored kids. The fact that they love handing coins to anyone holding a bucket.

Everyday i try and acknowledge the things i've done. It's still a process.

And i picture the things i want for us. I feel the pull backwards- the voice that says its fantasy and greed. The familiar feeling of unworthiness.

Doubt.

And i congratulate myself- if not for achieving anything... just for daring - to say to those voices... i don't think you're right any more.


Today- the moments that made me smile.

Tivianh turning her glove into a sweater for her hippo.

When we were leaving preschool, a little girl came up to Che, said nothing and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked taken aback. I grinned. He smiled. 'She's just pretending' He assures me. That was nice, i tell him. I turn around and a boy is smiling at us. Hello i say. He waves and chirps 'Bye Che!'. I love that he's made friends even though he knows nobodys name and denies he plays at all with anyone other than Stella.


Jacie and i made Library cards! We went in there in search of Hairy Maclary. We came out with 9 books and two brand spanking new cards.

He was so excited to read his books before bed.

Tivi is amazed that Jacien can borrow more books than her.

I love the tiny treasures of memories we make everyday.

And i also have to mention Van, for the moment when i realised that all relationships can change with open dialogues and the past - doesn't determine anything. We're not the same people we used to be, back as kids, back when life was confused by rules of hierarchy.

Vinnie for always half listening. I must be boring with my kid stories. Haha yet she tries to pay attention.

OH and then there's Leet. My ever sympathetic ear. Thank you for always opening the door, offering practical advice and feeding me. You are awesomeness... and Lana - i love your outfits and sparkley shoes! haha thank YOU for the smiles. :)

Oh and Yummii - haha for reading and commenting and always encouraging. Thanks for the shimmery, shiny, radiance; may it multiply and return to you in abundance.