Back to the Beginning

I'm sauteing onions and mushrooms... looking for birthday presents - reading peoples blogs.

Listening to Peter Pan in the background with half an eye on Jacie who's standing on the couch and on his last 'No jumping!' warning.

i'm ahead of schedule. The Laundry basket is only half full - there are no clothes on the couch - lunch/dinner simmers away on the stove. My kids are yawning. It's not yet 11am.

And scene.

Haha i started this then left it. I'm a starter and rarely ever so rarely a finisher.

I woke up feeling good. Now i have a headache... hehe but nevermind i'm smiling, and for the first time in weeks now - i'm here again. Writing in an un-agitated not-guilty state haha...

My words have failed to find their way to paper or screen lately - because they're muddled and frustrated, life has been a steady stream of events. Kids parties, school appointments, and in between it's just the maintenance of living.

In a cascading of what was done-s there was education week, school discos, performances, birthdays - so so many birthdays, Jacie fell and lost a tooth. Kynan fell and his whole face is bruised. The Olympics came and went.

My daughters writing has become legible. She is proud.

Che discovered a love for Maths. His teacher came up to me and thanked me for teaching him at home, and for the fact that he is a lovely, patient and delightful child.

Jacie used the word 'Incredible' in a sentence.

We've been happy.

I say that in the small ways, where we remember what's important. In general though i suppose my silence always comes from a general dissatisfaction with the status quo.

I feel particularly lighter in mental angst now though, because i forced a hard conversation with Zane. And finally - i felt like he heard me.

The very next day i read these words:


".....However, you can create a marriage to always be beautiful and wonderful. How? By applying one of the most important intangible factors of marriage; Forgiveness.

Forgiveness will always bring it back to the beginning. When you truly forgive, the marriage will always remain beautiful. Forgiveness is the act of understanding and compassion for one another as human beings."

(yes, it's that darned Yummii again being all Yummii n shizz up in my grill like all the time :P)

Hehe, well see i mused at this for a bit because, my marriage... it was almost accidental- mostly incidental. I fell into it like i fall into most things... by a series of (unfortunate) events. Haha okay, not unfortunate- (i love you darling, you're my world).... But it's just something that happened.

Haha i know this sounds entirely unromantic and for the most part it was- i could look back and romanticise it for you - but our wedding was just an awesome day with some of Zane's family and some of mine. The marriage bit was just an excuse to gather.

We signed a piece of paper that i promptly lost not 3 weeks later. We said these vows that we chose because 'They were the shortest" - i giggled like a maniac the entire way through (said vows, struck with the acute sense of how on earth did i get here?)

I never really thought about marriage as being too important. It was just a label - a way of officially describing 'us' to people that don't know us. The kids, the things we do together, the lives we're growing - these are the ties that bind us for life.

Marriage - was an afterthought.

So when i was reading Yummiis post, well i substituted marriage for relationship, the same way i gloss over the word 'God' in any text. I re-read it because something hit a nerve and i sighed, and made a face, and laughed because i had to admit- that there were many things, i had not forgiven. Truely forgiven in my relationship with Zane.

I don't know when i started keeping tabs of things, but like i told him, my frustrations have been compounded by the feeling of being unheard. Zane and i have different styles of parenting. By styles i mean that he has the unquestionable confidence that he is the authority- and me- i constantly reassess my role as a parent.

I remember asking one of his closest friends in NZ, if it was weird seeing him with kids- and he responded 'No, I always thought Zane would have kids.' His family responded similarly.

Hehe, still to this day 3 kids and 6 years later... my friends and family still have their days and moments when they say 'I can't believe you have kids! 3 of them too!' Haha... this i think is the main difference.

My uncertainty stems from the fact that i had never envisioned myself with kids- like ever. So the whole thing was a minute by minute winging it.

It's still like that.

Marriage, is the same. I never pictured it for myself. Never put myself in this role.

I kinda semi -resent Zane because he always knew he'd be married with kids... and so it's all working out for him just dandy. Haha... but anyway... i can't even remember what we talked about - the same old stuff i always talk about... but what happened at the end- changed everything.

He didn't snore mid way through my sentence.

He turned to me, hugged me, and said 'You're right. You're absolutely right.'

Hmm what?? Haha...

"We can fix this...' or something like that... (he threw me with the part about me being right so the rest was kinda a blur).

I didn't really want to be right - or need to be right. I just wanted to be heard. To be responded to.

Finally.

It felt like this huge shift. The cliche weight being lifted off our relationship.

When i read Yummii's post - i laughed, because it's true. I'd started counting somewhere along the line... and i needed to let it go. to Truely forgive. To bring it back to the beginning.

During our conversation i asked him why he didn't register for The STampede (the run he had suggested we do before) yet. He said because he didn't think i really wanted to do it.

I said it's because i don't want to do it that i should do it. I told him he didn't want to do it.

hehe he registered the next day. Now he's talking of the need to train and looking at buying 'Skins' and i roll my eyes and laugh some more... because i agreed to do it yes. It's a challenge to myself, in a year of facing fears.

I don't want to train though, i know it's silly - haha and it will hurt. At the end of the day though- i'm excited more about the fact that - Zane and I have been in this for a long time. He tells me he used to enjoy such things when he was younger - running - obstacle courses.

I tell him i never had any remote interest in such things.

But lately - i catch myself telling him no, we can't do that. Just for the sake of it. I'm used to our bickering. I'm always picking a fight.

It's terrible. I say it's him, but i know that how i feel is a choice i make.

So The Stampede is my concession. One of the messages of my talk with him was 'What you say, doesn't matter- it's what you DO.'

He said to me, 'Doesn't it look fun, i really wanted to do it with you.'
And i scoffed at him.
Hehe but i apologise.

It does look KINDA fun.

What's more fun though... is getting to know you again.

Haha wow this post kinda went in a direction i didn't mean for it to go in... but anyway...

I'm getting there.

Sometimes there's a break in the clouds, and i see the clear blue skies.

I feel like i need to restructure this project- it's headed towards the end of 365 days. I have a tonne of photos- but i can't wrap it up next month.

It needs more time.

Hehe anyway ambiguous right??

Zane is hassling me to go watch Suits. So uhh yeah i gotta go reconnect with my husband now. Haha!