The gifts of imperfection

Haha- hi -

I know, i know it has been a while hasn't it?

The quiet is just a reflection of my head dealing with the practicals of daily events.

My body seems to be a constant reminder that i'm aging rapidly and the years of neglect and abuse are catching up and smashing me with all sorts of ailments.

But then... these are just excuses.

I do what i do, because - that's what i do.

I didn't want to start this post off trying to explain things. I don't really feel like filling in the days of what we've been up to and what you've missed of our lives.

What i'll do is this.

Tell you a story of shame.

I opened the book that's been sometimes in my bag and sometimes on my desk and sometimes at my bedside table - 'half' read for months now... on this random page, in italics it reads:

"If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way- especially shame, fear and vulnerability."

I laugh a dry laugh.

Okay...

I didn't want to start writing here again, because i let it slip again and i feel badly for that - like i'm not keeping some end of some deal i made. Hehe, this whole project lost so much of its original psychotic energy  that it started with, i feel sad and sorry for it.

- I yelled at Zane on the weekend... and my kids at intervals over the messiness of the house and things that on the grand scheme of anything - don't really matter.

I yelled at Jacien for weeing his pants yet again- and called him a baby in front of his aunty and cousins. And i shouldn't have because like Alex said 'negative re-enforcement doesn't work, it's bad!' which now that i think about it is a kinda ironic statement. Haha!

I also pretended i didn't see someone i knew at the supermarket coz i didn't really want to make small talk- haha Maybell if you're reading this sorry about that, i was just in a stupid mood and - yeah it was pretty silly/awkward after our kids kept kinda playing with each other. Haha!

Garghh... i guilted my kids - told them it was unfair that i had to keep picking up their things. Haha i'm their mother, i know - it's my job (to pick up their things that is, not to guilt them) I threatened and i smacked.

I said mean things to Zane.

I avoided people.

I talked when i should have been silent.

I haven't wanted to do any housework then i got mad when things got messy.

I remember things i said and did that were so badly said and badly timed and i think - gosh i'm a terrible person.

I'm hard on myself - or maybe i'm not - maybe i'm so lenient on myself that i fail to recognise my shortcomings.

I'm unpredictable sometimes, i'm unfair.

Zane says i'm impossible.

I kinda like this, being impossible sounds kinda cool... but i know what he means is - i'm unfair.

I used to think i was easy going and pretty laid back.

I once told a girl she was wrong in front of these other people and that pneumonia wasn't spelt with a P and she stayed quiet, but I was the one who was Wrong! haha... i was only in year 5 and i'm so sorry Michelle if you ever read this, i was such a douche. So horrified at my little self. How could i have so confidently been so wrong?!

Haha... yes this is incredibly random and i wish i could go back and apologise for all the times i've been an idiot whether it mattered or not, it's stuck in my brain these moments of failures, epic and not so epic.

So here, i acknowledge you, Fear, shame, vulnerability.

Now leave me be.

To Zane, who for all intents and purposes - is the love of my life.

I'm sorry, for being confusing and for taking out on you the things i'm frustrated with in myself.

For starting fights and picking at things and being impossible and unfair.

I'm sorry for the way i express things and my terrible timing, and my sweeping generalisations.

Thank you  for putting up with me and my insanities.

We still need to talk, but in a good kinda i miss you way.

/:)

Kids,

Tomorrow we try again. Keep reminding me of the things i promise you.

i'll shake it out til it doesn't matter anymore, stop talking negatives about the things you did or didn't do.

Play more, forgive easily. Forget the things that don't matter.

And live the things that do.