Last day of Four.

8 is the time i opened my eyes this morning

I'd stayed up late trying to organise the kitchen/living room for school and new years of.

My mind blanked for a second before that internal alarm sounded. It's late!

Zane is late.

Something else is wrong.

I walk out as Zane makes his way to the bathroom.

Jacie walks out.

He's naked.

What are you doing? Where are your clothes?

I spilled drink on it -  his slightly hung head tells me he's making up stories, he pulls his 'I don't know' face.

I make my way to the bedroom still slightly disorientated. Waking up late puts me off.

I feel for wet patches on his bed, on his blanket.

It's dry.

I ask him again, did you wee in your clothes?

He gives me the story about drinks again.

I trace his steps to the toilet, pick up his wet clothes. They smell of pee.

You wee'd now where did you wee?

His head is dropped again 'But i don't know.'

Jacie, where did you wake up?

In Che's bed.

In Che's bed?

Che is still asleep.

I am still confused. I dismiss CHe's bed, because why would he have been in there?

I check my own bed.

Nope no wet patches.

Jacie is gone.

Jacie? where are you?

I find him in the computer room- under Joels blankets... huddled up and a muffle of sounds.

Why are you hiding?

Leave me alone mum.

I pull back the sheets. Why are you hiding?

Because i wee'd in Che's bed.

Che is up now, he's in the kitchen.

I check his bed and sure enough it's wet right through his blanket down to the sheet and waterproof protector.

You were in Che's bed?

Jacie is at the door, he's nodding.

I pull off the sheets and the blankets.

Why were you in Che's bed? He's never done that before.

I was scared, so i went to Che's bed.

You've wet all Che's blankets and sheets.

Che is watching us quietly. He shakes his head and calmly says ahh Jacie, then adds- i felt it on my leg too.

I look at them both. Che is taking his Pj pants off, searching for some shorts. Jacie freshly changed, is looking sheepish.

Most nights, Jacie - you come to mine and dads bed sometime during the night...  this is the first time you've gone to Che.

Che, i shouldn't be surprised, but it is your last day as a four year old, and once again you show me how it's in your nature to be gentle, to be sympathetic, empathetic.

You moved over to let him in your bed, but it was hot in your room so you were both sleeping on top of the blankets. When he wet your bed, you shook it off. Like it happens... what can you do.

Jacie always waits to gauge the reactions of people  when he knows he's done something.

He looks at you.

You change your pants, and carry on as if nothing happened.

Jacie takes your lead.

I've seen you so many times, let your brother have his way. I've seen you help him when you haven't been asked to, share things with him even though you wanted it more.

You turn five soon. (Later today once i post this)

It's your first year of school.

You are a curiousity to me.

I am sometimes, shamed by your perception, inspired by your patience, amused by your sense of humour, proud of your heroics, surprised by your stories.

Sometimes, i fear that the way you are makes you likely to be taken advantage of, but secretly i know that i'm a lot like that too. Sometimes i hope that you will let go of your caution and just do the things that scare you. Sometimes- i have no idea what i would give you, if there was one perfect gift to give.

Part of me thinks- you already have it. That it's me that's missing something. Something you were always meant to lead me to.

Tivianh, she show's me freedom, a will wild and hard to tame, Jacie he shows me joy, a bouncing- giggling kind. You- you show me peace. A certainty that always half surprises me.

Mumma...

You say...

and you are the only one that calls me that.

Yep?

I love you.

And it's a fact.

5 is the age you'll be today.