The timeses they's are changin

What's unfair is... i never got to spend the time i do with you, with Tivi or Che. They both had a younger distraction for my attention. For the first blur of a year with Tivi - i was still finding my footing as a mother.

Che, you never really needed me to yourself- you were always happy to share. Happy to be on your own.

These last few months though - Jacie... you, make me think about all the moments of them at this age that i missed, or those that i'd forgotten.

I watch old Videos of Tivianh, and remember her curls and her chubby cheeks. If i forget, people remind me constantly of the quiet, sweet child Che's always been... but you Jacie... you unfold in real time at the most favourite of my ages.

I watch Tivi now and she is tall- grown in a way that makes part of me quiet - wondering how the body does that - how that tiny baby i used to hold with one arm in the silences of night - chubby fingers curled around my one.. only capable of this tiny embrace...

How does that - turn into this? How do the tiny bones stretch, how are you filled up of parts that don't rattle around - too small for the shell that i see now. How is it possible.

Che has grown into a boy - his features stretch out, not so soft any more... a glimpse at the man that he's soon enough going to become.

This kinda scares me, and so i find myself holding onto the youngest like a walking cliche of all those stories i read.

I scoop him up and squeeze him, and i've noticed lately how he instinctively wipes away my kisses, push aside the fact that he's grown longer, he's not so round any more, he's stepping into the next phase.

But he smiles, that missing tooth smile, the dimples on his cheeks and the shine of his eyes. The last precious moments of baby with his arms wrapped around my neck, a giggle in my ear, a koala bear hug.

I have time with him to remember the conversations. I am his best friend, and he has this way of making his big eyes sad - the same way his dad does - that makes me want to fix the world for him.

I write a lot of his stories - more than the others because i know i'm about to lose this time. Things are changing again... i'm apprehensive, weary and excited all at once. I find myself looking back - losing minutes in regret and fear- all the things that i may have done wrong up til now.

Then i remind myself that the only change i can make is today- and tomorrow. Look forward, be here and let go.

The only importance the person I HAVE been holds, is she reminds me of all the things i still can be, the things i WANT to be. Reminds me that i know what i Didn't like... so now i should try it a different way.

Anyway, that's a tangent!

Haha- this blog's gone off on what seems to be a directionless path - but the thing with me is... when i seem the most lost... it's usually the moment before real change occurs. It's just gauging the time, the spaces, the resources - before the next leap. I try and be more gentle with my processes and less impatient these days -i try to do the same with them.

Sometimes it's a battle, and sometimes it's a slide.

I miss them at the age where the first priority was to have fun - if i could do it over again - i'd let them be wild.

Maddie was talking to you Jace about something.. i can't even remember what.

Somehow you ended up on the subject of pretty girls.

Are there any pretty girls at your school?

To my surprise you answer 'There is only one.'

You usually say all girls are pretty, so i ask you what her name is.

I don't know... you shrug.

Is she your friend?

No... i just see her, but i don't play with her. But he's at my school. I just look at her.

Oooh... and you look at her because she's pretty?

Yes, but i don't know who she's is, she's just at my school.

I ask you if you will show me which one next time.

You say. Yes, i will.

Will you go play with her next time?

No.

Why?

I don't know.

Are you shy?

Yes. I am.


Hehehe... i love that you are small, and romantic. You love to pick flowers and give them to girls. You tell me there are no flowers at your school, just only a bit of grass.

I tell you maybe we can bring her some to school- if you want.

You say, Yes... but you give them to her mum.

Hehe... i hope you grow up to be the kind of man, who gives flowers - who watches the one girl, out of the classroom full- and decides that she is the one.

I hope when you grow up, you'll still be smiling that smile when i ask you about her. Giving me straight answers. Just speaking the truth.

I hope the man you become... remembers the boy that you are now.