at the now

Chris msged me and said

'You haven't blogged since the 31st!'

I laughed a small laugh and asked her when SHE'D last blogged.

She's been busy- livin la vida loca.

I... i've been busy being quiet. Hehe... quiet is a place i sometimes go to, quiet is something i am when the movement in my life has taken me on a path i'm not sure i want to continue with.

There is a moment where i start feeling a resistance to the momentum of my days. A voice tells me to wait. Sometimes i stop. And slowly i ask life to be quiet. 

Be still.

Just wait. I can't quite see the next move, but i need to stop second guessing.

So sometimes, i talk about feeling like it's all leading somewhere. Sometimes i can't sense it at all. Sometimes i wonder if i know what i'm talking about.

Sometimes... i look back at all the things i said i'd do. At the disappointment i've felt when i haven't done them. Especially the loud things. The things i ran into screaming Look at me... watch what i'm doing!!!!

Haha... sometimes i look back and i think... you're obnoxious. And full of shit.

Sometimes... I let myself be told by me... that i'm fake and full of pretence.

Then... sometimes i say... Shhh. Just be quiet. 

I'm doing what i do- because this is the only way i know how to do it. 

Cat asked me to go to Yoga again, and i agreed. The most fascinating thing about Yoga is the fact that i know it's largely an exercise in controlling the mind. 

Or rather that's what it's become for me.

My thoughts are random and wild some times. 

I listen to the teacher, and she pulls me back to concentrating on the present. 

I force myself, and constantly fail to be in one spot.

To just be present.

To be there.

The other thing about Yoga is it's forced me to look at my feet.

At the neglect that i impose on them.

I never wear shoes... and my dry cracked (i know gross right hehehe!) heels are forever protesting their treatment.

I felt sorry for Vivienne because she had to touch them to adjust my pose.

Hahaha! Then i listened to her tell everyone to let go of the roles we play and just be.

I've resisted 'exercise' for a long time. Resisted agreeing to things. To being called out when i don't follow through.

This year... well it's a quiet year. Of listening to the voice that says Nahhh.... and gently saying... well why not?

For all the reasons i find NOT to do things... it really does just take one Yes. To change everything.

So the noise that forever follows me, the voices that have been for years saying that i have so many things i NEED to do, telling me i can't do that, because first i need to do this. Thinking and overthinking...

Well i kinda... shushed them.

This means i don't write much- because writing ends up going in spirals for me. My mind wanders and overwhelms itself. My energy lacks direction. It's one of my worst traits.

Right now It tells me i shouldn't be writing this here - that i should tell you of my children, of my sunshine and good times.

I lay on the mat in the very warm room on Saturday... and Cat was there but for once - it really didn't matter that i was doing something i never thought i'd be doing possibly alone. I listened to Vivienne talk for a while. Right now i can't even remember what she said other than let go of all the roles we play...

And i fought with myself - to release control.

I remember last year - being frustrated. Feeling ready for change - and then becoming swallowed up by days and routines... and out of desperation i asked out loud 'Show me the way!' I kinda half smiled and followed up with 'I'm ready, just show me the way.'.

Even as i said it though- there was the part of me that pulled back. How do you know you're ready? It's the same resistance i feel in the meditation part of yoga.

So i said to Zane, i'll sign up for this back to basics course she's doing, 6 weeks every Tuesday.

He tells me i should do it everyday if i can. Just get out and do something.

I love him and resent him for the fact that in this way, he's always a better person than i am. Always more generous with time. He doesn't think about who will have to take on the responsibilities of the children and household. He only sees what i need and what would be good for me.

I wish i were that kind to him. And sometimes to myself too.

When i think about whether i should continue with Yoga, i am reminded of my plea to the 'universe' - i hear the voice in the back of my head - telling me that it costs too much, is too late - overextends me again.

And i tilt my head to it... gently prying loose the grasp that pulls me back, it's okay- just let me go.

Be quiet for the moment and just watch. We will be fine. We will be great.

Haha... it's all a bit in my head at the moment, so apologies for the bipolar/split personality looneyness of it all.

I'm trying something (kinda) new.

I said yes to a two year commitment - one that allows people to intrude on my days. I said yes to a course that forces me to step outside my comfort zones. I said yes to a possible job i'm not sure i have time for.

I said yes to Yoga, even though some people still laugh at the thought of exercise and me.

I said yes... because i need to.

Because all the reasons not to... they don't make sense any more.

So there it is. And there i am. Kinda at the 'Now'.

Kinda just winging it. Kinda being free.

Thanks Cat, for Yoga. Zane, for latitude. Yummii, for the words. Chris, for caring.

Thanks universe, for the paths.