Fuck, shit and frikken what thes.

Okay, i'm back.

Kinda sorta.

Watch this:




I liked this page about gratitude on Facebook, and then one day... i got a friend request from the lady who owned the page.

I was kinda sure it was a mistake...

But i accepted it. Which is odd, because i don't add people i don't know in person.

She was full of awesomeness on her site... so i thought okay, yeah you're not a crazy stalker person... and i needed people in my life like this so thank you universe.

So sometimes i look at the stuff she does... like uhh... a TED talk! And i go to Zane and i say SHE'S MY FRIEND! (on facebook).

He kinda smiles and says Yes, she's your friend.

Haha and it's kinda weird but really awesome.

I was struggling to find something today.

As always it found me.

I've been all sorts of messed up lately.

Tired and crazy and blue.

This morning i yelled at the kids and i broke Che's homework folder slamming it on the table and it's all been very gah.

Then as i was yelling at them to get into the car, my pretty little daughter with the big eyes and massive attitude- she whispers to me. I'm sorry mum.

And i kneel down and we hug and i apologise to them all.

My frustration has little to do with them.

It drives me insane that i keep losing the plot over breakfast. Seriously.

For everything i read and try to convince myself i am... i can't seem to get this stuff right.

Day after day, i tell people how i do this and that and why can't they just do that and the other thing... and... well yeah...

I watched Toni's talk and i felt bad... for Zane and for people and for myself.

I felt bad that i was struggling with this stuff and as much as i think myself a good person who loves people... well... i speak a lot of negatives. Specially about and to my partner.

So i apologise.

'Speak words that Repair.'

I know this stuff doesn't happen overnight.

So i try and cut down the downtime.

And i try and explain to the kids... that i don't know what i'm doing a lot of the time.

Che says to me, 'Mum, i love you even when you yell. You're just having a bad day, i still love you.'

Jacie says to me 'Mum, i miss you when i'm not with you because I like being with you.'

Tivi, she always tells me a favourite part, then she adds 'And coming home and seeing you mum.'


So i remind myself to listen to the people that matter.

Forgive.

Be kinder.

Let go.

See love.


Thank you to friends who have always been there and by sheer awesomeness always know the ways to fix me. Even unintentionally. The universes way... of balance and awesome.

I said to the kids today, when one of them commented on 'rude words' and how Che in frustration called Stella 'Idiot'... and Zane asked him if he even knew what it meant... Che, crying shook his head.

I told them all what Idiot meant. I told them all that they should choose their words carefully. Be sure it's what they mean to say.

I told them that, and it didn't even occur to me...

The irony.

Haha, and so... we go on.

And try again.