Fails

I talked to Zane last night about my failures as a mother. How i never feel that i'm really any good at it.. but it's okay- i'll keep trying and i keep telling myself you know, all the motivational crap about failure and eventual success! Lol or just learning the things you need to learn for the next phase. Just getting back up and getting better at it.

You're an awesome mum he says.

i don't believe you, you have low standards in awesome.

Haha... i have awesome moments, then i have blah moments. I told him i wanted my now awesome moments, to be my future blah days. My bar is set high which is probably why i'm so down on myself for never quite reaching it.

I said to him one day i suddenly became a mother...

He scoffed at the word suddenly - as if motherhood is not really a sudden occurrence.

For me it felt that way... one day i was just me... then 32 hours in a hospital later... it wasn't any more.

I never thought i'd have kids. Then i did. They gave me what i always wanted... the ability to commit to something for life.

Because i've been so so tired this week - from a leftover cold, or flu or whatever it is, from the period that even after the implant was removed on Saturday, has come round yet again - i've been mishandling things left right and center.

Tivianhs also been testing new waters with me... constantly whining and unhappy with everything she's asked to do or been given.

She guilts me with 'You never spend time with me.' as a preface to 'i want to stay home with you, i don't want to go to school.'

Gahh... haha i have many mixed thoughts on school... but i just want to curl up and rest my sore back in my new flannel sheets right now.

This morning there were refusals to eats, there were threats, there were tears.

At one point i sat myself down in the kitchen completely exhausted, and cried. One side of my head said - get up you're gonna traunatise your kids... the other said screw you, i just need to do what i want right now... and that is to just sit here and be utterly helpless and hopeless.

Tivi was on her stubborn streak so she kept playing refusing to eat - Che was playing too unaware of anything.

Jacie came over peeked under my hands and said Mummy? I love you. 

I cried a little more and opened my arms to hug him.

He grinned and cupped my face in his hands. 'Tivis being very bad, She's not listening. i love you my mum.'

He hopped onto my lap as i looked up to ask her for the nth time to get ready for school...

'Mum, lets hide from them!' 

It's exactly what i wanted to do. i put my forehead on his and he hugged my head, sheilding my face from them.

Mums crying Tivi whispered.

Che ran over and joined the huddle. " i love you mummy.'

Tivi didn't say anything but gave a quick squeeze and ran off.

Jacie giggled. 

And i smiled, thanked him for the loveliness he is- and picked myself up to start the day.

Some days, i feel like i'm hard pressed to go another round.

I need to get out of my own head. Out of these spaces. 

Time to start kicking back. AT life's metaphorical shins.

I've had my cry. 

I've had my handsome prince come rescue me. Or help me hide from bad guys.

Tomorrow...  is a neeeewwww day.

Thankful came in the form of my youngest. Then the middle child... in all their quiet wisdoms. 

Haha then this:

She fell in the playground and i got my first call to the school to pick up a child from sickbay.

Our day, despite everything, ended in hugs- smiles and favourite parts.

SoooO its all good.