Happy

Breathe

All the things you Need to do
All the these things can wait

I read these words... small stories. Lives - a billion of them- i am sad for all the heartbreak out there, i am sorry for the things that cannot be undone. It's the nice stories though, that make me teary. The kindness that people don't expect. Yes, i get teary. I joke around a lot, and i am i little on the looney laughing side mostly... but in the centre of me... i'm gooey. Soft. A little bit sappy. I like the warm, i like the fuzzies. I like to know that everyone is okay.

I told Zane that when i was young, and we were driving home from somewhere in the dark, i would look into the cars next to us, the faces of people and i would get this inexplicable feeling of sadness- they were all going home, ending a day- if it was a good day it was over, (this was sad) if it was a bad day they wouldn't be able to sleep for the things that went wrong would still be on their minds (this was also sad). What if their parents were arguing- like mine were- what if they went home fearing the worst. Why couldn't we all stay out. There was always something about 'returning' that made me feel desolate.

I always had this urge to run away. I figured, if we were never in the same place, our lives would never be the same - we wouldn't be stuck like this. Yeah, i was pretty emo as a kid. I blame books. They have a way of making you want your life to be different/better. Better different.

Hehe, Zane looks at me funny when i say things like this- he shakes his head. He calls me weirdo. But one of the things i love about him, is he always smiles when he calls me weirdo. I shrug at how silly it sounds when i say it out loud. I laugh because i cannot explain it right. I am curious about the fact that i have never actually said these things out loud.

Lately i've been in my head a lot - the way i used to be before i had kids and they became a constant external distraction. I've been going over the transcripts in my head. Cringing at the ways i may of acted. Then slowly prying the metaphorical fingers from around the memory, reminding myself to let it go. What's been done can't be undone. Holding onto it only paralyses, creates more regret.

Anyway- when i am in these moods, it's hard to articulate what's going on. So i stopped writing again.

I'm still working on the posts i know i should have done when they happened. Hehe i just - i don't know.

I just haven't got the right mindset for it now. I guess...

I don't know where this post is going either... haha...  blame this site Makes Me Think  for the disjointedness of my ramblings. Reading peoples thoughts, makes me picture a bazillion apartments, bedrooms, streets and souls out there in the world. It fills me with this huge sense of not knowing what to do about all this loneliness.

The perspective shifts make me feel odd. In the end now, it just reminds me that i should get off this computer, and see my days as they happen, rather than through the hundreds of photographs that i collect. There are so many regrets in the world. I should not add to them.

Hehe it's a weird spin on a lovely site, full of romances and kindnesses as well as moments lost, and opportunities missed - but it makes me feel the same way looking in cars driving home always did. Helpless kinda. Melancholy mostly.

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I sat Tivi on my lap yesterday and we looked at pictures of her when she was still in nappies, with chubby cheeks to match her big eyes, a headfull of untamed curls. - i miss you at that age Tivs i tell her. You were wild, and you were strange, and you were full of messy curls and busyness. You would put  bucket on your head and go riding on your ride on - as if it were the most natural thing to do. Hehe you were a funny little thing.

She smiles.

You've grown so much, you're so heavy now- what happened?

She tells me she is almost as tall as me. She is.

My favourite part was coming home and seeing you mother, She tells me.

I laugh. You're still a funny not so little thing.

She giggles and runs off to bed.

*****************

Hey! I say to Che.

He stops and says Yeah?

Hey Boy, who are you?

I'm Che! He laughs.

No you're not! Che was my baby, he was small and cute and lovely, i used to hold him in my arms. Do you know where he went?

I AM Che! I just growed up!

Nonsense, my Che would never grow up, he is my baby forever. Did you EAT my baby, boy? You ate my baby didn't you and now you're pretending to be him!

Laughing he says ' noooooo I Am your baby, i grew up - like you - you used to be a baby too!'

No way! I was never a baby. You give me back my Che!

He laughs and laughs and tells me he is my baby. That all babies grow up.

He is this little boy now, and he is full of imagination and giggles and tricks. He is also full of kindness and sensitivity and tears.

Mum, my favourite part and my 'Thank you fors' are the same...

Oh yeah? And what was your favourite part?

Everything. I'm Thank You for Everything too. He smiles - then he slips away from me and is gone.


*********************

That's cool that there's a turtle mum, i think i should have a turtle too. Because it's not fair that i don't have a turtle.

Oh but do you know how to look after a turtle?

Yes, i will put it in water.

ANd what does a turtle eat?

Leaves mum.

Does it? I'm not sure about that.

Me too mum, i don't know what a turtle eats.

Maybe we can find out when we get home, or when we go to the library and find a book.

Okay mum, we will find out what a turtle eats. When i was a baby mum, i didn't know what a turtle eats too. When i was a baby mum, there was dinosaurs, they was still alive.

Oh. I kiss him on his head. He rubs it off on my shirt, and squirms away.

Hey! I protest, did you wipe my kiss off?

Yes! But i'm sorry mum. He laughs.

haha... i love those conversations with you Jacie. You are always full of stories. Your big brown eyes alternate between heartbreak and mischief. I wish you would stay this age forever.




Hehe while i am fumbling through this post, Yummii sends me this - hmmm 30 ideas for Date Night??  I smile at the visual of Zane's face when i tell him of another thing from the internet that we should try doing.

Lately, i've been finding myself remembering back too - back before the kids, at the things i should have been alarmed at. The conversation where he asked me - before we were even dating - what kind of wedding i would have, how many children i wanted. Haha, things that i never had really thought about. Questions i answered with - i dunno something relaxed and fun and i guess as many as i have. Who knows?!

Haha - i have this video of him at the work Christmas party. The first time i saw him drinking. The first time i saw him dance. I told people afterwards that you know Zane's drunk when he starts loving everyone.

But in the video he is dancing and i am just sitting holding a camera in the semi dark - amused at all the intoxicated people around me and how nice they are with their inhibitions gone...

And he dances over to me, with his hippidty hoppitty moves, and he says to the camera that is me...

'I would do anything for you.'

(I should play this video to him, whenever he says no.)

And i remember that i held my breath for a second before i stopped the recording. It's one of those moments in my life that i will always be able to see clearly even without the footage - it was a truth. A certainty. Something i had always known, Said aloud. We'd been together maybe 3 months by then. I was already 2 months pregnant... nothing phased us much in those early days. It was an adventure we were always meant to begin together. I never questioned it.

Hehe... anyway i think i liked that he had those sometimes sad eyes, that remind me of a bazillion stories and car trips home in the dark. They've frustrated me many times since, because they are 'tragic' and 'distant' and i am buried in things other than the need to make sure everyone is okay.

Lately i've gone back to watching him.

Are you happy? I asked him yesterday.

Yeah, why?

Because sometimes you don't look it.

I guess i'm not happy with some things at work right now...

Oh, why is that?

He tells me about work. The conversation drifts off...

He washes the dishes in silence for a while. I play with photo's again.

Then he asks me.. 'Are You happy?'

Yes. I say. Yes i am.

And i am a little surprised at the certainty of my own voice.... i falter and my mind scans it's reasoning... i smile because.... because, i can't think of any reason why i wouldn't be happy.

It's all i ever wanted for anyone, So i breathe and send it outwards, and hope it reaches all the places it's needed.

I hope happiness finds everyone somewhere amongst their day.