The thing that says yes.

I started a post about the surprise party and went through the photo's sort of and i know i still have a lot of unsaid thank you's.

I might write and post them instead. Go old school.

Hehe, but i'm exhausted due to bleeding to death - haha yes it's that time of the month and goddamn it's draining. My iron levels have probably plummeted, my body feels like it's been hit by a bus- or 50 uncooperative kids.

Playgroup photos are killing my life. I'm obsessed and consumed by it. It's taken over my weekend.

I was happy yesterday with my final product (well i still need names) for at least the older group - now i'm not so sure. Haha i'm never completely happy with any work i do.

Anyway, that's beside the point though- the point is I DID it, well i kinda have. I still have to deliver the actual prints, but the layouts done and it looks good. Good enough. Haha...

I'm incredibly grateful for this entire experience, and yes- 20 seconds of insane courage (or just no thought) where i interrupted a conversation with 'I can take them'. Haha... i've learned a lot about myself, about kids, about parents. About committing to something and being forced to produce results.

I'm proud of myself and incredibly relieved that it hasn't been an utter disaster.

Zane smiles at me and says he is so glad i did this.

I am glad i did this too.

And if anything - i can say 'I tried that, and yeah - it wasn't my thing.'- the next time someone says i should take kids photos for a living.

i'm thankful for my husband and his willingness to help, all his encouragement, and i have to apologise for biting his head off at suggestions earlier tonight - haha i'm tired and a little over it right now.

Thank you for always telling me you know i can do these things, to trust myself.

Thank you to Shane who heard me freaking out and said to Zane 'She's talented and intelligent and she always undersells herself.'

Hehe- thank you for your lovely words.

I realise i have much to learn about Photoshop and Illustrator. Much to relearn. I realise i have a fear of not knowing these things. Of admitting i don't know. Haha... on one side i'm constantly doubting myself, on the other i think i'm too good to admit that i need help.

In between it all, i'm still trying to find the balance of who i am as Mother, Partner and Me.

The kids will all be at school soon - i will be left with the decisions i've never wanted to make.

Where to go, what to do. Hehe scary. Yet part of me already knows. The part that says, 'Yep, i can do that.' knowing i can't take back the offer, the part that clicks on Pay enrolment fee- and can't unclick it and get a refund. The part that grins at me and says, so... what are you waiting for now? Now that you can't go back? haha...

I squint at that part of me with my evil eyes.

People are counting on you....

*growl*

haha... yes i have these internal conflicts.

But i am thankful for the challenges lately. For the recklessness that seems to have overtaken me - one thing at a time, slowly but surely... i'm gettin there.